Cold - Fire

Countdown to 25th

2010-07-13T23:33:00.002+08:00

It is 13th July today and in about 20 mins, I will be 25. I confess that I have never been a big fan of birthdays. Well.. The chance to meet up with friends who care, is probably one of the only reasons I look forward to my birthday every year. As for the gifts, well... to keep it simple, it is not their worth that matter but rather the thought behind them.

It was interesting to see how much some friends have changed after 10 years. The playful boys before is now an amazing tuition teacher who knocks sense into his student. The career woman is having her first child. And so many more.... I guess I have changed quite a fair bit over the last ten years too. From an overtly shy introvert with self-esteem issues, I have changed to a slightly more confident person who is slightly more confortable with being an extrovert or rather taking up the ways of an extrovert. In terms of studies or careers, I think I always have the belief that with enough effort, one should do well. I would say that I am afterall pretty laid-back in the studies/career department. Laid-back not in the sense that I am lazy but rather I do not make the effort to venture or do more. I guess that is something I have to work on when I start working.

In terms of emotional maturity, I wonder if I have changed much. I would like to think that I have matured a great deal over the years. But you never know.. One of the greatest uncertainties maybe right now is probably in the love-life department. I guess I have always been looking for that one thing but it has always eluded me. I thought I found it on at least 2 occasions but it is obviously not the case, and I am alone here on Henderson Wave, typing a blog entry.

In any case, this is life...

2010-06-11T01:08:00.002+08:00

"I don't want to make it easier for you, I hope your heart breaks; but I do understand". This line is from Brideshead Revisited. I remember feeling the pain within this line when I first watched the movie. After reading the book, it was as if the whole story, all his experiences ended with this line. What made me feel for this line is that it is the curse of somebody who steps into the other person's shoes and saw things from his/her perspective. Thus leading to the tragedy of him understanding and empathising with the decision made but as his personal values differ largely from those of the person he is empathising with, he could not accept the decision being made.

The Learning Experience

2010-02-14T11:53:00.001+08:00

As an engineer, I can say this with a great degree of confidence - the geatest lessons in life are not learnt in class. For example, while engineering teaches you about physics, pressure and stuff, what they don't teach you is that it is much easier to poke the a straw into a bubble tea seal when you cover the top end of the straw. I learnt this from an economics major, at a tender age of 23 or so. :P

Jokes aside, I guess my point of typing this blog entry, which I also put onto Fb as a note, is to put into words some of the lessons that I have learnt or some of the values which I hold true as a result of my close-to-25-years of living. It is an important issue which would be nice to to be reviewed maybe after another 25 yrs of living.

To be frank, I can trace everything back to 2 periods of time when these issues/things were ideas spelt out to become affixed in me. Do not get me wrong - I do not mean that I only learn from these two occasssions but rather these two occassions made everything I learn everyday matter. They are the events in my life that in a way give meaning to the tremendous amount of information we all have to process each day. Think of them as points of reflections. Points in time.

The first event or period of time was my study of English Literature in secondary school. Our teacher then, Mr. Jason Lim, was and is still great. He gave us space to be the young, positive (yes, there was a time when I was more positive and cheerful than I am now) and idealistic individuals that people of our age should be. At the same time, he provided us, here and there, with insights of reality is to be. However, all these cannot outshine the most fundamental good that he had done for me. With his choice of the texts to be studied for our 'O' Levels, he provided me with a role-model in our society where role-models are so difficult to come by. I used to think that my role-model was simply Harper Lee's Atticus in To Kill a Mockingbird. Today, during my moment of insight, I figured that the role-model was an ideal that came from 4 areas - To Kill a Mockingbird (TKMB), Romeo & Juliet (R&J), Royal Hunt of the Sun (RHS) and Mr. Jason Lim himself. TKMB showed me the "perfect" man - Atticus who learnt from his mistakes, lived by his values and rationality, and through his actions earning the admiration of not everybody but people who mattered. R&J showed me passion that even today, I so hope to feel. RHS showed me Pizarro - the "imperfect" man hardened by the world but despite all, still hopes to believe. Finally, Mr. Jason Lim, who facilitated us in our interpretation of the texts and thus give meaning to what is otherwise just a text. Here, I have to say that I have simply narrowed down the texts to one thing that mattered but the truth is that it is often the case that what matters is a result of the whole text. They have taught me more than the one line that I have attributed to them here.

The second period of time was, much as I hate to admit it, my time in NS. It was there where I had the opportunity to work with both ends of the spectrum. We already know what the lousier end of the spectrum is like. So let's skip them and move on to the other end - it was at this end that I met, worked with and learnt from a man, Francis Ng, who decided to take go the extra mile to provide me with a learning experience which he could otherwise not provide at all. Just to be clear, I do believe that he did not provide me with that because of favouritism or anything but rather he would do that for anybody who comes into his life. This is what makes me respect him all the more. He adds value to "information" which I have to process each day by putting into words the lessons to be learnt. The lessons I learnt came from everywhere possible - interpersonal skills, tact, leadership, the simple steps to take to move closer to a goal, and so many more. So much that I could say that English Literature provided me an ideal, Francis Ng provided reality. It is here that I wish to highlight some of the lessons I have learnt from this life-mentor of mine. At this point, I also wish to highlight that I am not capable of elaborating on the ideals that I have gained from English Literature any further because I am not confident of putting all those thoughts into words, and i also believe that there are some level of ideals that are meant only for each individual, no two individuals can have the same ideals. I think what I get from English Literature is just that.

- "Walk your talk" is probably a fundamental idea that most of us have learnt from anywhere else. Leadership by example may probably be seen as a subset of this. I was not introduced to this concept by Francis Ng but rather he was the example of it.

- Ownership. The one thing that made me a pretty decent worker for him was that he gave me "ownership" of what is not mine. This sense of ownership made me feel responsible for the mundane work that I had to do and to some extent, some sense of pride was attached to it. Heck.. I even went back to camp when I was on leave as a result of that. The btm line is to give ownership to others whenever possible and try not to take them away from others. Not everything has to be under your control for progress to happen. And not everything has to be as you hope, for them to improve.

- Give praises where and to whom they should be accorded to. It shouldn't take much to admit that somebody is doing something way better than you if that is the truth. What is a simple line to you may matter much to the people who hears it.

- Protect your committee. Even though your committee members may have friction amongst themselves, it does not make any particular sense to complain about them to anybody outside of your committee. On the one hand, you do not wish for others to think that your committee is falling apart but on a more important note, don't you just think that it adds value to the working r/s if you talk things out amongst yourselves. At the same time, do not take credits for yourself, credits should be given to all in the group. This was what he taught me, in as close to his words as possible. In my own words, think - family.

- Differentiate between an honest mistake and one that is intentional. Forgive the honest ones and deal with the intentional ones. In either case, protecting your committee should be of utmost importance. It is not about finding somebody to blame but progress together.

With this being said, it is always a disappointment to hope to live like an ideal but not living up to it. I guess this is what makes you and I human but that is just an excuse....

2010-02-06T23:02:00.002+08:00

I love people watching. I love people watching when I am listening to nice songs from my mp3 player. It is kind of nice to hear "dancing in the moonlight" playing when people are carrying on with their lives.

In any case, I was sitting in Starbucks reading some notes (The cashier was friendly and actually asked me what I was doing in Marina Sq. To which, I said that I was hanging out with a friend but I neglect to mention that after my friend leaves, I would be studying... I have a sad life)

Of course, I day-dreamed a little here and there. During one of which, I recalled some old but sweet memories. Reminded myself of how idealistic I once was. I still hold an idealistic pt of view that when people say that their romance faded away, I think that they just did not put in any effort to recall the past.

Furthermore, I have identified two categories of people who want to get married. The people who wants to have a happy family and the idealistics. Not to say that the first category is not idealistic but idealistic not in the sense that I wish to speak of. The first category are those who would not mind going to SDUs and stuff. Maybe because whether they know it or not, they see the big picture of having a wonderful family life. Then there are the idelistics who are hopeless romantics too. They somehow believe not so much in the happy family part but are more focus on the moment of falling in love. They probably can find love anywhere and anytime as long as fate somehow comes into play. But they just cannotaccept the SDU kind of workings.

Doesn't take much to guess which one I fall into.

Away

2010-01-19T10:53:00.003+08:00

It is one of those moments again.... It walked into the room, expecting and drawing every bit of attention to it... I guess over time, one just learns to block it out, deny it of the attention. Something which I think I have done with considerable success. Well.. Today, I just feel like giving it the attention that it so seeks. I'm not down. I am just pondering.

I have always thought that I do not mind living the life of a Singaporean. The life that our system, our none-too-mature culture, has dictated for us. Somehow that changed somewhere along the line. To pinpoint this to a particular cause is overestimating the effect of that singular event. It is the result of a number of separate events, happening over a great length of time, and yet coming together at the one point to give meaning or interpretation to the world around. Or as I have learnt from Human Relations, a change in schema, one about life in future.

"Away" is the word that holds meaning at all right now. It is the result of many things, thoughts, experiences, interactions and more. I wouldn't call it an end-result becaause of the plain fact that I am only at about a quarter of my whole lifespan. The thing is that today, I am somewhat tired of the repetitions over and over again. With the understanding that everybody else face the same repetitions of interactions, events and such in life. What true meaning do you or anybody hold to anybody else? With the understanding that, nothing lasts.

I guess I do sound a little jaded with that last statement but I am not complaining so. If you are looking for the guilty, you only have to look into the mirror. C'est la vie.

The opposite of being away is to be here. Yet, here is not the place that I want to be. Here is no longer the place that gives me any meaning or anchorage at all. I guess life is a journey to seek answers to questions. And to everybody, there is at least that one question that is of upmost importance. The answer to which, gives life itself meaning or purpose. I think I know the type of answer I am looking for without having a clear idea of what the question actually is.

2010-01-07T22:20:00.002+08:00

I guess I have always only looked for one thing up to this point in time. For a time, I was confused. I thought that I was looking for something else and many probably think that I was looking for that too. The truth is that the one and only thing was something else altogether. Something that I do not know how to nor dare demand. Something that eluded me all these years. Yet, something that I so whole heartedly hope for to exist.

2009-2010

2010-01-01T12:46:00.003+08:00

With the great number of notes on FB about the transition from 2009 to 2010, I can't help but be tempted to type an entry here. Seriously though, 2009 was just another year for me and 2010 is another year to come. Heck.. It is just a number. I feel like I am simply getting by each day. "Getting by" is just a nicer phrase for surviving, not living. Today, I wonder what living means. Come to think about it, I have been here, getting by for so long. I wonder if anyone of us have ever truly lived. Here I am thinking about the experience of living, which could simply just a concept thought up by somebody along the way. Probably somebody emo who felt that there should be more to life than simply breathing, drinking, eating and shitting. Oh.. And of course, working. With much sacarsm intended, what a beautiful thing that gives people purpose, $, an avenue to attach their ego and identity to, and so much more. Wonderful work!

In any case, I know I am not the first to have this thought process (this is base on experience that tells me that I am just another little human in the great big world. "Everyone is different" is a lie.) and I do believe that I am simply one of those who feel that they have been through enough to know what to expect in the years to come. Thus with this way of thinking, comes the inner desire for something more than whatever our expectations of life have to offer, an the differntiation between getting by and living. I thus wonder if this way of thinking will change for me and if it does, when it will be.

In any case, in the spirit of the new year, here are some of my thoughts for the past 365 days or more (since this is one of the few times I have actually typed such a thing. There were the good times and there were the bad times of course but this is life. I hated the times when I was down but they were just little hurdles, lessons, turning points or whatever in life, depending on their impacts. Being human or probably as a result of my upbringing, I do think that people tend to only look at what was bad as they look back at something or anything. The key is to look for the good things too.

One of the many things that life has taught me is that there is no way of saying anything has ended. Things that happened and thought to have an conclusion to, may come back to haunt or cheer you up years later.

Another lesson is that with action is more important than words. You cannot think of change and hope for it unless you take the step to initiate the change. Sometimes, "shoot first, ask questions later" is the way to go, especially when there are things to be changed but nothing is moving.

Of course, there was the lesson that while consistency is the thing that was sought after, uncertainty, change and chaoes were all that came. I do admit that little fairytales were destroyed with the chaos but that is life again. To say that fairytales are destroyed may be wrong for they are forever there. Part of us grows up but part of us wants to believe in them still. It is just which part is more dominant at any time. Fairytales, fantasies, ideals, whatsoever.

There are so many more things to mention but what is the point of listing them all when the chapter has not been closed. The chapter of a life, whether getting by or living....

2009-12-08T23:57:00.002+08:00

There are essentially some things in life that should not be comprehend. They are just so vague that you cannot give a a definite answer or concept about them. You come up with analogies, which cannot fully define the things but rather give only a point of view about the things. That is, your point of view about them at any point in time.

Life by it self is obviously one of those things. At some point in time, I believe that life is a bitch while at others, life is essentially beautiful if you choose to look the right ways. Then there is the current mindset that life is just well like this. Both shit and good things can happen anytime, just have to take them as they come.

Reflection

2009-11-04T21:09:00.003+08:00

Hello Stranger...

We have met before, haven't we?

Now I remember! We used to go for walks together, spend time together, share thoughts and ideas, and do stuff together. You were there for almost everything.

Sigh.. I guess somewhere along the line we went our separate paths. Come to think about it, I remember looking back at the shadow of yours that was cast on the ground.

It has been so long since we spent time together. I feel like I do not know you anymore.

Ha~ I guess there are still some things that never change huh~

Ok. I have to leave now. It is nice to see and talk to you again, to see how we have changed and how much of us actually remain the same over the last few months.

Anyway, goodbye for now, Kenneth....

What do you see yourself to be 30 years from now?

2009-10-23T23:55:00.003+08:00

I have always taken 1 step at a time. Goal setting has never been the thing for me because I have never really liked what I have been doing for the past 20 over years - study. How can somebody like sth that sucks your life? Similarly, I never understood how people can attach their ego and their life to their work. Yet, it is at this point in time when it is crucial to find a job and get on to the next phase in life that I wonder what is it exactly that I wanna see myself be 30 years from now.

2009-10-09T23:24:00.002+08:00

Hello world!

Guess what? My world just imploded tonight! Ok. I am exaggerating. It is still here but well I am actually feeling like a piece of shit on this night. I don't know where to start.

Should I start with the fact that before tonight, I have already been scolded by 2 people? Sometimes, it doesn't matter whether the person is important or unimportant in my life. What counted was that I was scolded twice in 24 hours. There is only so much scolding that I can take in a day.

Or should I start with the fact that I have a member in my group who went on disappearing acts and when he did finally appear, he had not done anything for the project? In addition, I also have a leader who got so pissed off for being deceived by the member that he sat there pulling a long face throughout the whole meeting. But both are not the issues here. The point is that I just want to be happy and comfortable. I do not want to be anything that even resembles a leader.

How bout starting with the fact that just minutes after I shared with a friend something which I wish to remain a secret, she leaked it out to another friend? Well. There wasn't really any problem with that other friend knowing. If the time were right, I would have told him myself anyway. I just didn't want to share because I am still uncertain and I wanted to tell him myself when the time is right. The act of telling was irritating but I let it past without a word because it was nothing compared to the friendship we have.

What about the fact that my group and I have been working on a project since 3 days ago? I have been the first to be there in the comp room working on the project and last to leave. I am not complaining about my group members. They are great in fact. I am more irritated by the fact that we have been working long hours and during the last lap this evening, I was rushing around everywhere. From the project to 1 appointment to discuss about my CV back to the project again to getting changed for a career talk in business and finally back to doing my cv. I was in such a hurry all around that I didn't have time to grab a quick bite for dinner.

Oh! Not to mention my not-progressing-very-well ISM and FYP, and my MIA TA.

On top of all these shit, I have been confused about stuff. I guess while all these were happening, I was also in a confused but dreamy mood, which kind of explained how I could maintain a certain level of happiness despite everything. The ability to shut out the unhappy stuff just set in.

Yet, reality came knocking with a simple line from a friend. I really hated it because it was like forcing me to make a choice when I am not ready and when the paths were still unclear. The truth is that I understand perfectly where you are coming from. The idealist in me thought that you were perfectly right. Yet, the cynic in me felt that try as I may, I could only be a "spare" friend. Spare in so many sense that I do not even know if there is an end to the list.

So who am I really or even who are you really such that you can use that line on me? The point I am trying to make is that just yesterday, you were doing exactly what you have just scolded me for doing. well.. I have tried to balance so much and I have tried to maintain so many that if I were to try further, I would be so disappointed that I do not want to go on. I do not want to be there again.

I am losing faith in it on a daily basis. Just let me stop here so that I have some more faith in it left.

Speed

2009-10-05T22:13:00.003+08:00

I have to be in the right lane because I am going to make a right turn at the next traffic junction. Right lanes being right lanes are full of cars rushing to everywhere else. As a result, I drive faster. I hate it. That is not me. I don't like being pushed but as a result of what I want, I have to endure being pushed. Well.. Not to be too bleak. Something good actually came out of being pushed - I am more used to driving at a slightly higher speed.

With a wound that big...

2009-09-29T22:28:00.003+08:00

With a wound that big, you might as well just laugh about it.

The stages of recovery from falling are like this.

Right after the fall. The first word was either fuck or shit. Well you get the point.

Then the instinct to get up kicked in. The first movement was to get back on my feet.

The next was to look at the how. What caused it.

After which, it was to get away from it all. Leave the scene of crime and try to clear the evidence as though he has been charged for clumsiness.

Yet, with a wound tt big, it was impossible to get rid of all evidence. Finally the acceptance and all.

I hate falling. Nobody likes it, I guess. I think it is now a big step to eventually laugh abt it. I think I didn't use to be able to do so. I used to beat myself up abt stuff like this. This is a change.

Chasing

2009-09-23T23:43:00.003+08:00

I am back to using this age-old blog skin. I believe it accompanied me for quite a fair bit when I first started out blogging. Come to think about it. I believe it was xin ru who helped me out with blogging. It sure has been a long time since I started this track. As I looked back at the first few entries which I typed, I couldn't help but laugh at how they were typed. They just sounded so JC. I guess that is the point - to look back in time every now and then.

In any case, I believe that I did take into account the words on the blog design when I chose it for the first time. However, right now, it is just convenient considering the one I was using had some image problems. I still like the background design though.

We spend life chasing. The very basic idea is to chase one thing after another. Everybody is chasing after something, be it the act itself is something to hold on to or the object of interest. I chose the word chasing precisely because it reflects the objects of interest very well. The objects are forever changing. Whoever said that we should set out goals and work towards them is so wrong. Our goals change with time. One may see it from the perspective of stages in life where we go for different goals in different stages or one may see that, the goal we have today may be obsolete by tomorrow. The simplest example is that of obtaining a degree. The new in thing is to have 2 degrees. Or to have a powerful cv with your degree. Dream jobs are different with each passing day too. Teachers are no longer just teachers. Do I have to say more?

Having live the life of a simpleton on SEP, this life is now a little hard to accept. But this is life and well.. one just have to deal with it. I am not having some bleak view about life, I am still seeing the small beautiful things in life and I think life by itself is largely beautiful.

In any case, I am looking for a change now...

The music, the rain and the light

2009-09-19T23:45:00.007+08:00

I walked a fair bit today. I walked to Lot One to meet yt for dinner and after which, walked all the way back. I remember the last time I took a long walk in Singapore was about 10 months ago. Well.. The walk today is nothing compared to the ones I took before. I remember walking from orchard to People's park.

The return trip was the more enjoyable one. I was not rushing to anywhere in particular. It started drizzling and I had oldies playing from my mp3 player. There was a sense of nostalgia that came with the interplay of oldies and orange light from the street-lamps.

Music, rain and light from street-lamps are like the components of a beautiful moment for me. Somehow, when they come together, they make me feel erm... at peace? or that the world is beautiful?. Of course, all these being said, I wouldn't enjoy them if I were to get drenched in the rain. Haha.. I am such a spoilt Singaporean.

I also remembered how whenever I came across such a feeling, be it in such a situation or others, I would have wished that there was somebody I could share the moment with. It was the emotional longing for a company. Today, it was different. I only remembered the longing as sth of the past. I did not feel the longing.

As I typed this entry, I also remembered that back when my passion for blogging was greater, I would insist on using less of the 'I'. I hated the word because it gave a sense of being so full of oneself. Today the word appeared just so many times.

Lesson from a film

2009-09-19T00:18:00.007+08:00

I learnt something from a film full of vulgarities, random bashing and with the last 15 mins looking like some RPG where the hero had to fight multiple bosses - one of whom was known as The Poet.

I took away one great lesson from the film - the tragedy of a simple person. Basically, a simple person is a lie. He only wants to be simple because he had took so much risk, gave so much and somehow everything or all his hope were let down. He got so disappointed in taking chances or making the human connection anymore that he just wants to start afresh as a simple guy with nothing to commit to whatsoever. Thus the simple guy is just a timid guy who is afraid of taking chances anymore. However, every once in a while, he would try to establish or go back to the path or go onto a similar path as before. As much as he was afraid of complications in his life, he was also attracted to them.

I shall now aim to be normal instead of simple!

Updates

2009-09-15T21:18:00.003+08:00

Yes! Blogger is finally working fine today. I confess that I have a lack to words to describe things going on nowadays. It is probably due to the loads of work that doesn't seem to go away. I guess this is part and parcel of FYP and ISM - there are no fix assignments but rather work is constantly there.

I have not blogged for quite some time mainly because life is stagnant and filled with the usual. There isn't any beautiful sunsets or nice evening sitting on the bench as I did in France. Life now happens in a protective air-conditioned room. Frankly there is nothing really exciting to tell.

Well. There are only two special things that happened within the last week or so. The first being a rather unhappy one during which I found out that detachment is actually a lie. I was still affected. Then again, it may also be due to my general mood during that period of time.

The other special thing that happened was that I bought Zen X-fi! It was my happy event of the week. I won't compare it with players that I have not used because I feel that u cannot judge music equipments with just a few songs. However, it is definitely a big leap from my 5-yr-old i-river H10. The sound quality is great.

On the same note, during my market research on mp3 players, I was informed by friends that there is always a certain look or design to the electronic equipments that I purchase. I guess they are right. I do not have a word to describe this trend.

A friend asked me if it was worth the effort. The lucky number was 3. His pt of view was that it was not worth it. frankly, I don't really care abt his pt of view. I feel that at that pt in time, I felt it was worth the effort. 3 was the magic number. 3 became a very lousy number for some time but well.. now 3 is just a number.

2009-09-09T20:59:00.000+08:00

Would it be loser-ish if I were to say that I still refer to an old mail to remind myself not wander back to the place where I was?

Detachment can be a lie. You can only feel detached when you are within a certain comfort zone. That is, you probably need to know everything before you can remove yourself from them all.

Road-trip

2009-07-20T00:13:00.002+08:00

Have u watch Elizabethtown? It stars Orlando Bloom and Kristen Dunst. A friend passed me this show a long time ago. Since I got it on my harddisk, I have watched it twice. Well.. I don't think that it is a particularly good or exceptional film. It is very simply, a boy-meets-girl kind of movie. That was what I thought a long time ago when I first watched it.

I re-watched it again during the beginning of my stay in France. I guess it was my state of mind at that time. I could somehow identify with what the film was trying to say with the failure of Orlando Bloom's character. We usually lose ourselves in becoming successful or in attaining a certain goal that we neglect the small things in life that makes life itself matters at all, and it is not just love that we are talking about. At this point, I think that love is over-hyped but we shall leave this for some other time.

In any case, the main point of me mentioning this film is that I made me fall in love with the idea of road-trips. It romanticized the idea of going on a road-trip,town hopping and discovering the little things around that makes life beautiful. One of which that I found particularly interesting is The Survivor Tree (wiki). In any case, I feel that I had a bit of an encounter with road-tripping when I took a 14 hour bus ride from Paris to Prague. It can be pretty thought provoking and inspirational. If I could, I would really wanna go a road trip someday.

I Fell In Love With Her Again....

2009-06-01T23:53:00.002+08:00

I am now in some part of my university, typing this blog entry. I just came back from a weekend trip to Paris... again.... For the past few months, anybody who had asked me which city I liked the most, the answer was London. Right now, I am not so sure. I think I am secretly falling in love with Paris again. There isn't exactly something I can pinpoint the cause to.

The thing is that for the last couple of months, I always had a reason for liking London more. It was mainly because it feels like the city holds a lot of different things here and there. I mean you can find a monument in the middle of nowhere by a river just because the city has too many different items to display. And when night comes, the city has a mysterious atmosphere. I think it has got to do with the many films and books about London or UK.

Yet, for Paris, it was just a feeling. A feeling which I think stems from the combination of the night sky and the beautiful lights lighting up the city. There is more to this that one cannot explain. To simply put that it only has something to do with the lighting and the night, is not addressing it completely. It is like falling in love, where there isn't a reason for so.

With my Headphones on~

2009-05-17T17:06:00.004+08:00

I had my first and only Discman when I was in secondary school. It was with me up till when I was in the Army. I don't remember if I ever gotten a Walkman but I do remember using tapes on my player at home. On the same note, I think I got my first set of mini-compo CD-Tape-Radio player (the term for this equipment is wrong. I just made it up) when I was in secondary school too. MD was a growing market then.

Later, I got my first (and current) mp3 player when I was in the Army. I think my sister got it for me while I bought my first (and current) camera with my pay around the same time. My beloved Iriver H10 (and my Sony camera) has been with me for at least 4 years. I must say that although it is not the best mp3 player around (it has a lousy interface) and given that it is a Korean brand (you know what they say about Korean brands), it has been reliable in providing me with music whenever I want and also has been a great in transmitting music as they are, to me. The latter is mainly because of the sound quality it provides by itself. This only dawned on me after 4 years of using and after changing at least 5 earphones before ending up with my latest and most expensive Sennheiser HD 212 Pro (this is a pair of headphones)

I remember I first started off as most people did, with the accompanying earphones in the iriver package. While in the Army, I was surfing the forums and came across a thread on earphones. The thing that I got from it was this or at least the gist of it is this, "Once you get a pair of earphones of better quality, you can never go back to one of lower quality." I learnt its meaning (surprisingly) more than 6 months after I bought my first pair of earphones from Sony. I remember it vaguely to be a day when my mum wanted to use my old discman. I was being nice and lent my Sony earphones to her. I ended up with my accompanying pair of earphones. It was then that I knew the meaning of the quote. The sound quality couldn't be any worse.

From there, I spoilt and lost some earphones. Basically, I spoilt my first pair of Sony earphones, lost the next pair that I bought, received a new pair from AT and LR (I must say the wiring for this pair is great but it was a lil too short), bought another pair cuz I needed longer wire, spoilt the one with longer wires and then bought a pair of Philips clip-on earphones (all those before are from Sony). I was gratly disappointed with the one from Philips ear clips headphones that I got. Only the sound quality was commendable. The other things like durability and stuff all sucks. However, that experience had taught me the difference between headphones and earphones. It was only a few months ago that I decided to purchase of Sennheiser headphones. It was and it still is a time that I wish to be within the comforts that my music can provide me. It is psychological and I still haven't got a good explanation for this behavior. By the way, before I proceed, I must mention that I never did lost or spoilt the pair of earphones that AT and LR gave me BUT I lent it to my friend over here after I got my headphones and he lost it in Valencia, Spain. I am sorry if you guys are reading this!

Back to my beloved headphones, to put it simply, it allows me to listen to songs almost as if I have never heard them before. Sounds that I have never encountered with my earphones are now clear. Well.. I must say also that as it is not a noise cancelling headphones and that it is probably one of the lower grade Sennheiser around, the music experience can be better but I am satisfied with this, at least for a few years to come. If you have had the time to read up to here, you are probably bored at home or something. It is a crappy blog entry which I simply wanted to say how much I like this pair of headphones I have. :) Here's a lil something to listen to if u don't already have sth else to do..

Directions

2009-05-10T17:27:00.000+08:00

It is 0945 now. I am sitting in a park in Compiegne, enjoying the sun and the artificial nature around me. I think it is pretty clear why this piece of land I am on is an enclosure of nature that has been destroyed and after which artificially created. Even by calling it nature, I am over-stating its worth. In any case, this park is probably one of the prettiest in Compiegne. It is the park behind the Palace that Napoleon III stayed in. It is also the cycling/hiking gateway to the forest of Compiegne, which has many beautiful sights like Chateau de Pierrefonds and more. As I was walking here, I saw a group of old hikers (who probably joined some France hiking tour group) preparing to begin their hike. I also came across a group of old folks leaving the park. It was pretty funny in the sense that I said “bonjour” to the first few of them and one of them said “good morning” in reply. I later said “good morning” to the last one and he said “bonjour”.

Anyway, time to start on the main topic. In my moments of desperation when I was younger, I had laid in bed and prayed to god (any god) for help. Well.. Those moments of desperation were pretty mediocre or should I say insignificant. For example, like the little prayers of getting well-enough results. In any case, I knew that those were moments of desperation that I prayed. I guess I never really did believe in any god so to speak. To some extent, I think I never can but that is probably too early to tell.

About 3 Saturdays ago, I entered a church. Well. I have entered many churches while touring but in this church, I tried speaking to god. I was in Beauvais for my flight to Madrid and I was there way way earlier as the bus service was only available in the morning. Because I had no where else to go and because I was a little at a lost on that day, I entered the Cathedral and tried speaking to god or at least that was how I thought one can speak to god. I asked for directions in life, I talked about my disbelief in religions and I talked about how I think that there may be a god but I can only believe when I see one. I did not find an answer for my question that day, which is expected. How can you get anything without giving something in return? I couldn’t give my faith. Then again, I probably have some faith to begin with, in order to have tried to speak to god. Haha.. I think a devote believer would probably laugh at this failed attempt to converse with god or maybe he/she may think that this guy here has not even done it, it was just what he thought he did.

On another note, I went into another church today to see what people do on a Sunday morning communion. A Mexican classmate of mine shared that one can best understand a culture by visiting their church and their market place. Of course, he meant when people are there. I won’t say that I understand exactly what he meant but I guess it was because the people take up different positions in these 2 places. They give their faith and their everything in churches while in market places, they work to safeguard themselves be it to earn a living or to get the cheapest deals or best one for their family. That is one aspect I think. Of course, in the churches, in front of god, they could be nice and everything but in market places they could be something else.

Lastly, maybe it is due to the fact that the theme of the manga that I was recently into was pretty bleak and maybe it is because of the stuff happening, I came to this state of mind that if whatever is going to occur is of a magnitude that you cannot deal with, the only thing to do now is to enjoy the moment for now and worry only when the something comes along. It is a very helpless thought, I know. However, it is such a common thought that saying it out like that made it sound stupid. An easy example is that I have checked the weather forecast for today and it is going to rain today. However, when I woke up the sky was beautiful and the sun was great. The conditions are still so now. In any case, in view of the bad weather later, I could choose to stay in to avoid getting caught in the rain if it came down. Alternatively, I could take the chance that the good weather now will last until I am sick of it and go home or that I will enjoy it until the rain come and I will find a way to make it back somehow. (haha.. I can’t believe I tried to say something even vaguely positive) In any case, lucky for me, I am now sick of the fine weather and am heading back home. (of course, if you think on the flip side, if it rained now, you would probably say that I am stupid for going out when I knew that it will rain)

Bullshits

2009-04-20T03:44:00.000+08:00

I am seeing a rainbow-ish skyline now. The sunset is giving a beautiful array of colours with its descent. Blue, green, yellow, orange and red. There are reddish clouds littered on the blue sky too. The sun went into hiding for the whole of today and gave a perfect finale during the last hours of its existence today.

I am actually pretty pissed off right now. It is such a contradiction to the world around me at this point in time. I am pissed off with all the bullshits around me. All the bullshits that have happened in my life. I am pissed off with the bullshits I have to face in Singapore. I came here for some time away from them. Yet, they are always there. Always lingering there, giving me faint reminders that I will have to face them when I get back.

The worst of all is that one of them literally came knocking on the door. To think that I spent a full week worrying about it because of everything that it is worth to me, it came back to me with a bigger load of bullshit. Yes, much as they are bullshits, they are worth a lot in my life. These are the important bullshits that you have to live with, which is the sucky part. Really. The unimportant ones doesn’t even count as bullshits for you can simply leave them somewhere behind in the passage of time.

By the river

2009-04-14T02:45:00.001+08:00

Here I am sitting on a bench beside a river, watching the river flow and watching people go by. I would like to just sit here doing nothing and watch all day but I know that it isn’t possible. I am not that kind of person. Sitting here with my laptop is the closest I can get. Ha.. Too impatient? Maybe.

A pair of mothers went by with their kids, 2 old men came and sat on a bench not too far from mine and they are conversing pretty loudly (I can hear them even with my headphones blasting jap techno [This song is randomly played]). There were some joggers and a couple who skated by. As I was typing the last line, a cyclist went by and the two old men just left.

Boring shit? In a way, yes. Yet, along with this simple boring shit, is a sense of freedom and liberty from the regimes of life. Mind you, I am not just talking about the bureaucracy, the systems in place, the schedules in life (as a good example, what Singapore provides us with). The regimes include stuff like the need to make small talks with somebody else, to consider others…. It is freedom and liberty that comes with solitude too. I am enjoying it now. (another cyclist just went by and a middle age black guy is walking past me right at this moment. Another couple just skated by and the girl seemed pretty vibrant and sweet in her pink top and a bunch of pink flowers in her hand).

Years ago, I would have thought that such activities (if you even call it one) should be done with somebody else. Somebody special. Now, I am here alone and somehow, there isn’t the feeling of longing anymore. Satisfied with the simple things in life like a moment. Not a special moment or the moment but a simple moment.

A common view would be I have been hurt badly. If I were a third party, I would have drawn that conclusion too. I guess I have to thank the time we spent apart. It brought to me a sense of emotional independence that I have not attained before. And well maybe some spices of hurt did add to it but I would attribute more to my growth than to the hurt.

Voila~ I am ending here. There isn’t anybody in sight now given that it is dinner time and the temperature is dropping.

-20:02, 13 Apr 2009, Compiegne

I cannot

2009-04-13T04:03:00.003+08:00

For a brief moment in time, I thought that they had returned. The small little desires of wanting to be with somebody, the willingness to take the chance and the capability to give. I thought that they had returned but well they haven't. They simply popped by and left, as with the brief impulses of infatuation that I have encountered before. Only now, they left a void. A void that I am so willing to fill up with many other things but them again.

While the common view is that I am not over it, I think that I am in fact over it. Now is simply the phase of disappointment that is natural after so many years of anticipation. A friend puts it this way, 'Before getting into a r/s, I always thought that it would be a nice thing.....' After getting into one, it is just that.

Or rather, I have in fact been over the disappointment phase. Now, having been through all these. It is natural to not want to be in one right?

I think these sounds weird in some sense. It is more of the awkward phrasing and stuff. The truth is that I am simply looking for an explanation for my behavior, feelings or lack of. I think that I am just looking for simplicity here.

Compiegne

2009-04-10T19:31:00.002+08:00

I found this really old and in a way funny video on youtube - Sweetest Thing by U2.

When I first came to Compiegne, within a few weeks, we were invited to meet the mayor of this town. This sort of goes to show how small a town Compiegne is. In any case, when we were there, the mayor told us that she liked this town and once she came here, she has been here for 20 years. My first thoughts were that she probably did something wrong and got demoted to a position in this town. I didn't understand why anyone would like such a town.

Yet, 3 months down the road, I kind of like this place. Not for the reasons (as per other places) like it has nice sceneries or loads of things to do, because it has none of them. I like it for its tranquility and pace of life. It is a nice place to get away from the hectic city life or tight travelling schedule. Especially since most people here work out of Compiegne, this town is usually quiet and safe. Ha. In some sense, living here is like living the life of a retired.

It's Raining

2009-03-28T04:07:00.002+08:00

I went for a walk and got caught in the rain. The gentle raindrops came pattering down all around and made the would-have-been-warm night cold again. While it may be a bad weather and time for others, I found it to be nice. The beautiful raindrops falling with a backdrop of fluorescent lited buildings. The tiny and gentle little raindrops pattering against your skin and coat but is never harsh enough or in large enough quantity to make them all wet. The sound of the raindrops falling or rather, the sound of car tyres rolling over wet road. And finally, the one that makes even the harsh cold surrounding feel welcoming - the smell of the rain. Or if you want to be scientifically correct, the smell that rain causes.

Just to clear some things, I walked in the rain a little but later took shelter in a bus-stop. And I was wearing a coat, so the only skin in contact with the rain was my face. Well.. The rain here are like drizzles in Singapore. I would have walked in the rain if not for fear of damaging my headphones. Yes. I finally gotten a pair of Senheisser 212 headphones and I love it. You won't believe just how much sound can be blocked off when you play music on it.

Anyway, back to the rain. There were two things that made it all the more enjoyable. They were nice music in your ears and freedom. Well... Music contradicts the line about the nice pattering of raindrops on the ground in some way but if you think about it, it will be boring to listen to the same song over and over again. It applies to the nice pattering sounds or car tyres going over wet ground too. And freedom was the fact that you have nothing else to do next or nowhere else to rush to. It just gives you the time to sit in a little bus-stop and watch the raindrops come down. (There are some bus-stops here with transparent roofs!)

Do You Hear Me?

2009-03-16T05:53:00.002+08:00

At the end of the day, I guess it is pretty clear that we all want to be heard one way or another. Maybe, just maybe a long time ago, we would have wanted to simply sit and listen. But that time has far gone. As we grow older, we grow to have more to talk about,are more confident of our views and tend to want to talk about them. And we also realise that if we go on listening, others are just not going to let us speak because they just have so much to talk about too!

Then again, so what if others were to sit silently and let us speaks? Half the time, their minds are probably formulating comments or thinking about their matters that they do not listen. Listen. that's the key word here. not just to hear.

This has gotten so bad that eventually, we come to this world - the internet world where we blog, leave comments, write personal messages on msn, let the world know what is going on with us via facebook and so many more. In a way, by leaving a footprint in this world, we are more likely to be "heard" (listen). This is because in between the timeframes when people are thinking of themselves, they would have some desire to know about others and these footprints allow for them to really "hear" us.

These spawn from the underlying need to be heard no matter what.

London and Paris

2009-03-09T05:13:00.003+08:00

I just came back from London this morning. Spent a total of 5 days there. I remember telling my friend on our first night there that I find that London goes well with a gloomy backdrop like storm clouds. I think it has to do with the numerous UK stories I have played or watched (eg. 28 Days/Weeks Later, Hellgate London, Reign of Fire, Doomsday...) Somehow the gloominess adds an mysterious atmosphere to the city itself. I guess I am not the first person to think so, considering the fact that there are books like Neverwhere lying around. To me, London is a nice place to take a stroll around. especially with a loved one.

On the other hand, I have never really been in love with Paris for itself. I was only in love with the sites the first time I was there. Now, I like it for its various jardins or gardens during good weather. To me, Paris is a city that one should experience in good sunny weather. The gloom doesn't really go well with it. It is not really a place I like to walk around a lot in (maybe cuz I have walked most of the streets and I didn't enjoy the walks cuz I was always rushing) but a great place to sit and chat with a friend. The gardens and their views are excellent.

Just my thoughts at this point in time. Who knows... Things might change

Weather

2009-02-26T04:28:00.002+08:00

I swear the weather makes a whole lot of difference. I am not one who would sit down in the park in Singapore. But there I was today, sitting in the middle of a small park beside a little neighbourhood church. The sun was up but the weather was well cooling. I would have went there with a book if not for the fact that I needed to do some readings.

On this note, I have also found a new liking towards old books. It all started with me buying a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover that was published in 1949. I got it from a second hand book store in Bruges and it only cost 2.50 euros. I guess it thus marks the beginning of my regular visits to second hand book shops. At this junction, I should tell you that there is a big 2nd hand bookshop in Paris in place de St Michel is pretty lousy and ex in my opinion. It is too commercialised and messy.

However, I must admit that amazon.com provides a selection of very cheap 2nd hand books. I came across a few that cost less that the shipment cost of 2.99 euros. Yet, it just doesn't feel as good as purchasing a book from a bookstore I think.

To Know

2009-02-20T05:41:00.002+08:00

I wonder how can you actually know somebody. People change. A long-time childhood friend is no longer the boy/girl whom you used to know. A friend you meet in university may have changed a lot since he/she was in secondary school. I think one can never use the words 'knowing somebody' for all time. The most we can say is "i knew him/her" or "I now know him/her".

This being said, of course it is not always important to be able to know so much about another person. However, if you should get to know somebody special, would it be better to know him/her sooner or later? (let's imagine of course that you have a choice in this) Getting to know later may mean that you do not know much about his/her past. Then again, it is only the "now" that matters and not the past. On the other hand, getting to know sooner may also mean that change will happen and the change might bring the two of you further apart rather than together. I guess then the only thing one can wish for here is to meet at the right time and hope for the best.

It finally came

2009-02-20T03:30:00.002+08:00

It came at last, after weeks of notice. To begin with, there wasn't much to expect from it. The truth is I had never harbored any hope of it being anything more than what it is. Yet, at the precise moment when I was opening it, I hoped for a second that it might be something more. Thus it can never be healed. only suppressed.

In any case, in a way, the suppression is working in its own ways. Some things that I thought were lost, had found their way back. In a way, I welcome them because with their return, it can only mean that I have moved on. On the other hand, I dislike the cycle that I was in before and do not wish for them to return.

random

2009-02-14T16:59:00.003+08:00

I think it is a pretty good life to be able to talk about the weather and ducks with people around and not be worried about what they might think about you. I think I am on some sort of a holiday away from it all. In a way, away from the epicenter of activities on the emotional level. That was what I saw this trip to be anyway. Sometimes, I think that it might be irresponsible to run away from it all. But I guess some time away is always good and me being there does not change a thing.

On a similar note, a friend said some nice things about me. Well.. It is always nice to be complimented but somehow these don't mean a thing anymore. It is probably the aftermath of everything. As you grow older, you tend to lose faith along the way. Faith in so many things like good vs evil, love, religion and purpose of life in general. With this loss, there is also a sense of confidence growing. confidence which feed on the loss i would say. I mean having lost so much, it is only right to be confident of what is left. Back to the compliment, everything was right, the person, the words, the issues but it just misses the mark. There ain't any point in all these anymore. Having lost faith, what is left is but an inch, fortified with confidence of the very inch that has been left alive.

Cemeteries of France

2009-02-01T22:01:00.007+08:00

I have been to 2 cemeteries in France recently. Well.. considering I got here only slightly more than 'recently' I think that is a few cemeteries too many. The first cemetery is The Monumental Cimetiere in Rouen (photo above) and the Cimetière du Père-Lachaise of Paris (photos below). My thoughts and experiences about my visits to the two cemeteries were vastly different. It probably had to do with the weather (It was raining in Rouen but sunny in Paris when I visited those places), my state of mind then and lastly the popularity of the cemetery. There was an air of gloom in the Monumental Cemetery and accompanying it, is a comforting tranquility, oddly. Standing on a much higher ground than the general town-scape, I would say that there view there is the best that one can get in the region. When I say much higher, I mean at least a 40 deg climb for 15 mins. It was there that I discovered that vast difference between walking along the aisle and walking among the graves, reading the stones. Walking among the graves bring about sadness for the people who died and at the same time, the people who lost and lived on.

On the other hand, Cimetière du Père-Lachaise had a touristy feel due to its popularity. It was probably because I did not desire solitude as much as I did when I visited Rouen's Monumental Cemetery, but I did not feel there sense of tranquility or even gloom when I visited the cemetery in Paris. Yet, the sadness portrayed in the cemetery was more of an art. Like the wife or daughter missing the father (2nd and 3rd photo below). I confess that I did not really walk amongst the grave as I was looking for certain graves of popular people, which I think is a wrong way if you want to "experience" a cemetery. Maybe I will visit again when my mindset is more correct.

Oh the last photo has two Chinese graves in the cemetery of Paris. Talk about globalization.

Personal Space & Address

2009-01-30T05:14:00.004+08:00

I have discovered my need for personal space in the 2 weeks that I am in France. I thought that it will be a simple affair to share an apartment (without individual rooms) with my friends who are here too. But I realised that it was not the case. I mean it was a simple affair from before but it is not now. People change I guess. right smack in the middle of our stay together, I almost could not stand the lack of personal space and intrusion of personal bubble. But now in the comfort of my own hostel room, I feel so much at ease and content. While before I thought that a 3 by 3 hostel room is pathetic, I now enjoy it.

In any case, this is my address if you wanna send me anything:
Residence Universitaire
Chambre 529
6 Bis, Rue Winston Churchill
60200 Compiegne

Address to Kenneth Tan cuz I don't have a letter box and the reception (sort of) will check the names to the rooms when they get the letters.

Paris

2009-01-20T03:45:00.007+08:00

I was in Paris for the 2nd time in my life. It was a day full of walking as we are poor students and we decided to conquer Paris on foot since we have the time to. (Especially since Compiegne is a boring town) In any case, I have uploaded most of the photos onto facebook. Here are three that I particularly like. The first was taken towards the end of our one-day trip in front of L'opera Garnier. There was a band playing there. They were not professional but it created a nice atmosphere. The beauty of it all, that Singapore had tried but failed to produce, was the filling up of the night sky with music. The failure of Singapore to do so was because of the crowding of performances along Orchard road which essentially destroy the musics. Furthermore, I think the cold weather helps a lot in creating such a nice atmosphere - romance is in the air.

The second was taken earlier in the day. It was the first time I physically stood in front a ice-skating ring, rather than watch it on television. And lastly, a mini-rainbow which we stumbled upon when walking towards another tourism site. A mini-miracle. Ha~

Reading too much

2009-01-05T01:40:00.002+08:00

I had a dream last night. It was a pleasant dream. The only problem is that I had a similar dream about a year ago. The dreams were similar in the sense that the people in them were exactly the same. There were only two. Go figure. However, the difference is that the "after-tastes" of the dreams were largely different. One was filled with longing while the other was empty. One dream was full of wanting while the other was simply a void. In fact, there was a tinge of confusion.

Well. Actually, it is only confusing because I say so. It is not actually so. The truth is I know what it means. Throughout the course of the second dream, I was simply desiring and longing for something, and filling up a role with somebody. It is the sad truth. Pathetic even.

Disappointment?

2008-12-19T08:50:00.002+08:00

It was a string of random occurrences that gotten me to stumble upon this very random thought. Let's begin with the string of occurrences. It is essentially idiotic to discuss about when this string of occurrences all begun for it could go way into the past and I for one, do not think that any point in my life has been significant enough to define my very being now. I believe that everything major or minor, that happened sums up to who and where I am today. Thus while I would like to say that literature course in secondary school was the defining moment (at least for the purpose of this random thought I had or for this entry), I can't help but think about the various strings of occurrences that led to me thinking that it is a defining moment. Mind you, I am not even limiting these strings to be directly related to myself. Confused? It is probably due to my inability to take on some theory that i hardly know and won't make the effort to read up on it. But if you read or watch some time-travel sci-fi books or films, you should probably get it. Heroes season 1 and The Girl Who Leapt Through Time are pretty good.

In any case, I have drifted away from what I started off with. However, having said all those bullshit above, it is considerably wise to simply pick a few occurrences. Literature in Sec Sch, Friends, Chem Eng in Uni. I remember taking the extra effort to type out the whole letter that my lit teacher wrote to us all. I heard a recent news about him that would have came as a disappointment to many but it is not that much of one for me. He is only human after all. I believe that was what he once tried to teach us. Looking back, I guess he did not elaborate as much as he could. Maybe he didn't want to bring cynicism into the class of bright and cheery young people who may probably lead a more optimistic life than what he wanted to elaborate on. In any case, the literature lessons and teachings had taught me in many ways to be less result focused. To think creatively out of the box that the education system has encased us in. Most of all, it is about life.

Yet, after all these, I chose a different path from what literature had taught me. In a way, I chickened out. I chose the path any human being would choose. To do what you do best. I chose the sciences. People essentially like to do the things they are good at. Yet, it was slightly different for me. I hate studies whatsoever. In the best quote to describe how I feel about this issue is simply that 'it is just like breathing. you don't like it nor hate it. you just do it.' It is from To Kill a Mockingbird. the words are not accurate.

To speed things up a lil, it all came to a point when my friend told me that some of the others were actually a little envious of me for where I am today being driven to do well in studies. Well. it is a nice thing to know but then again things ain't all that perfect.

With that in mind, I couldn't help but to come upon this random thought that if my literature teacher had seen me now, would he be disappointed in any way that I have not became the possibility that I could have became from where I left off in literature. Then I realised that it was a stupid question as he would probably not be disappointed as this is only what a human would naturally do afterall and who the heck is him that I am to be concerned with him being disappointed in me. The question is really, "Am I disappointed in myself?"

I think not but do I truly think so.

Kiss of Death

2008-12-11T22:28:00.002+08:00

I sort of saw a man died today. He died in his office. I was on level 2 when I heard so people saying that the man was in trouble. As I proceeded up to level 3 to fulfill my own purpose, I went past his office. He was sitting/resting on his chair. There were people around, looking. I could only see the back of the chair due to the man's small built. 15-20 mins later as I walked back down the path again, the paramedics were there and were carrying him out of the office. I later received an email informing that he passed away.

There were a million and one thoughts surrounding this incident. As I was minding my own business, I couldn't help but notice the number of people who stood around watching as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. Then I wondered, would it be better or more humane to have stood there amongst the rest and watch on but unable to do anything at all, and was it selfishness that makes one mind their own business while somebody was dying less than 5 mins away? On the other hand, what is the point of standing there and looking when one is essentially of no help? I think that standing there would essentially give rise to a different set of questions from what I am asking now.

Further to this, I also wondered if he died happy. Satisfied that he had live his life the way he wanted? Fulfilled his dream maybe? The thing is that we never really know these. Words are formed by the living for the dead. I often wonder when people write "He/She was a happy person.", did they really know that the deceased were happy? What if the deceased didn't like any of the words that his/her relatives chose for him/her?

Then there is the question, "Should I feel remorse like what some of my friends are expressing to me?" Like shocking etc. I don't. I had thought and still thinks that a good man had died but this is essentially part of the cycle. There is nothing to be shocked about and frankly, I don't feel close to him enough to feel sadness. Then again, I really wonder with I would feel sadness should somebody close pass on.......

A Year After

2008-11-29T10:44:00.003+08:00

Am I feeling anymore? I have no idea. This is how it works. On some days, it is simply a case of parallel events or reality, while on others, it is just everything. It is simply that irritating. In a nice way, the exams and impending holidays come in the form of a fake get-away from it all. Get away from the simple things that kick up the settling dust of emotions. Thus right now, as I looked through the emails and stuff, it was simply a case of "oh. this had happened."

It may have got something to do with the degrees of separation that is in between for now. Such that I am afraid of lessening this and face the possibility of falling back into the past. Well.. It is obvious that some time when I am older, I'll probably look back and think of this period as lame but still for now, I am only human. Degrees of separation help in loads of way.

New View

2008-11-24T22:10:00.006+08:00

Back when we first moved into this current house of mine, a feng shui shi fu was hired to help us with the floor plan, like where should the bed and study tables be. When designing my room, he pointed out that my table should face the wall instead of the window in my room. I think (giving him the benefit of doubt) he was largely correct in that decision. Knowing myself, any other directions would have made me uncomfortable and easily distracted. Or maybe that's just cuz I am so used to studying in my room in that position.

In any case, I am currently staying in my sis's ex room. The view here is distracting so to speak. Right in front of me a flat laid over the slowly brightening sky. At 0630 in the morning, it is a nice thing to see those little cages light up as their residents each slowly wake up for another day of druggery. At the same time, it is also consoling that I am not the only poor bastard who has to wake up this early for studies or due to insomnia. Maybe it is the direction of the windows too, such that if I am slightly awake at around 6, I would get to hear the opening of metal shuttles. This had been a fairly strange thing for me until I figured out that it is around this time that our friendly area cleaner gets to work and has to open the rubbish chute for some reason.
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I guess words are only words. It is essentially the tone and the way you say it that matters. Since I entered university, I had gradually came into using this line which is essentially a strange habit of mine to find a certain combination of words fitting and may continually use it for a period of time. It was something of fascination and fun when it first started in sec sch or jc. I don't remember. However, right now, I didn't even notice myself using it often until 2 friends who just came back from SEP used the very line on me. The line is a simple "kai xin jiu hao" - happy can already.

I don't remember how I started using it. However, when the two friends used the line on me, they expressed pretty separate meaning. One is of nonchalent or a helpless-ness to do anything about everything or simply life in itself. Such that so long one thinks that he/she is happy, just continue as he/she sees fit. The other had more of a positive air to it. So long as we are happy with what we are doing, that enough.

I'm not sure if these exactly elaborate on the two sides of the same line. I guess it pretty much had to do with the people I am with and the stuff we talk about for them to get these diferent interpretations.
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On to another note, I have for a long period of time not talk about this. I had the thoughts about it but never got it down to blogging because it consists of some pretty loser mentality. It is about photography. In the years that followed after I bought myself my first camera, I had slowly grew tired of capturing the "moments" in life. Well.. I shall not deny that there are days when I feel like just capturing every small things in life. In any case, it begun at class gatherings where everybody wants their camera to capture the moment when all of us were together. Such that simple 1 shot sessions, took more than 5 mins. After returning from my one-month long immersion in France, it got worse. It probably had to do with the fact that after 1 month of playing around with my camera and experimenting, I grew tired of it and also I question the need to capture those moments when I am not exactly a good or diligent photographer. For people like me, the very act of experiencing the moment is more than what a photo capture may do.

So It Happened

2008-11-23T22:36:00.002+08:00

For some time now, I was afraid that it would come down to this. Selfishly and pathetically, I tried to prevent this eventuality but it has happened. Let's just call it a re-establishment of a mindset or should I say, with enforcement too?

It is a simple mindset that I had so readily thrown away slightly more than a year ago. It is a mindset that I lost for a period of time such that people who came to know me only then, now still thinks of me as somebody else. It is of immense disappointment that they should think of me so but it is something that I have to accept. This is mainly because much as I dislike that phase I was in, I was in it. It was as much of me as I would like to deny it.

No harm whatsoever. I guess I have lost something and gained something. It is a pity and a blessing that life is but a sketch. You never really know which way to live best because you never knew.

Vague? I guess I could be worse.

Films Films Films

2008-11-19T21:21:00.010+08:00

This is a weird thing to do but I have been very fascinated with the fact that the new channel - Okto has been showing pretty nice and cool films. For starters, I caught Evangelion - You're Not Alone on the channel last week. Appended below is the poster. If you click on the picture, you should get to the wikipedia article on it. Well.. Before you write it off as some boyish robotics anime, it is more than that. Well.. At least so if you compare it to the likes of Gundam Seed Destiny. I caught the full series when it was simply an anime series (this film is a remake of all the episodes.. sort of). In any case, the basic story-line plays on the concept of religion. Further to this, a large part of it focuses on ideas related to interpersonal relationships. One concept that was explicitly mentioned was The Hedgehog's Dilemma.

While watching Evangelion last week, I found out that they will be showing Vexille this Sunday (tomorrow). Well.. I confess! I like this film more for its doomsday sort of concept, which I have been forever strangely attracted to. The central theme running through this film is the question of humanity and what makes us human. Wait a minute.. Don't all anime-film talk about that? Haha.. Maybe it is just the films I watch.

Lastly, I also found out that "Hana and Alice" was to be shown tonight. Well.. To speak the truth, I was pretty skeptical about it initially but after watching films like Evangelion, I thought that it can't be that cheesy. A look at the synopsis shows that the film is infact pretty interesting. Click on the picture to access.

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A recent film I caught was Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Well.. Most people I know told me that it was a nice film and yes, I agree to that. Now, while everybody was fascinated about the beauty, passion, romance, yada yada yada of the film, I would like to bring to light the sadness behind it that Woody Allen had so successfully destroyed by casting a not-so-good-looking guy to the role of an ass-hole. I am refering to Doug. Much as he was a jerk who thinks very highly of himself, I pitied him as the film ended. He was like the poor bastard who doesn't have a clue. Then again, he may be the lucky bastard whose gf chose not to leave him in the end. I wonder which is better. hmmmmm

Unique?

2008-11-18T23:39:00.002+08:00

This link was recommended by one of my friends one or two months ago. drearyweary

It is a fairly interesting local comics series in the sense that it is essentially about life a singaporean. In some sense, it might come off as an average guy undergoing mid-life crisis and may be some boring piece of shit. I like it still because of its plain-ness and pretty direct way of expressing what the artist thinks. Maybe I am just like him, which is not exactly wrong because another friend, to whom I showed it to, commented that he sounds like me or vice versa.

There was a conflict at that point in time. It was between no longer feeling unique in holding my own views about life and finding a sense of peace in knowing that there are people who think like me. Coming to this, it is clear that while we are all endlessly trying to be unique, trying to break free of this regime, we are all just the same and forever remaining in any particular regime we have grown up to be in. All these talks about being special and belonging to a new generation of youth are simply propaganda to give one identity by making ourselves different from the others. When it comes down to it still, there are a million and one people out there who belongs to the same "generation" and thus are the same. So where is the difference?

That aside, and back to the main topic. Another reason for me liking the comics is its simple message of experiencing the beauty in life in Singapore as itself. There are so many things happening everyday that we fail to notice in our daily routines. The point is to slow down and experience, and especially not to be dragged down by prejudices and fail to take notice of these happenings.

Nothing Special

2008-11-16T20:28:00.002+08:00

In a recent event that I went for, there were a total of 4 speeches made by fellow students. I had no problems with the speeches being less than perfect but I certainly had a problem with a lack of social grace. It was because speaker number 1 showed his appreciation to a certain group of people, and when speaker number 2 went on stage, he challenged that act of gratitude with a one-liner: "I don't think so" or sth along that line. the issue is of course not with it being a one-liner but simply that it is extremely impolite to challenge or take away somebody's praises for another. To make it worse, he displayed a strong sense of elitism in subsequent topics that he touched on. yucks. Truth be told, we are all not that special after all.

This Ain't A Love Song - Bon Jovi

2008-11-02T22:30:00.006+08:00

This Ain't A Love Song - Bon Jovi

I should have seen it coming when roses died

Should have seen the end of summer in your eyes

I should have listened when you said good night

You really meant good bye

Baby, ain't it funny, how you never ever learn to fall

You're really on your knees, when you think you're standing tall

But only fools are "know-it-alls" and I played that fool for you

I cried and I cried

There were nights that died for you baby

I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby

If the love that I got for you is gone

If the river I cried ain't that long

Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song

Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time

Like we got away with the perfect crime but

We were just a legend in my mind

I guess that I was blind

Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade

The clowns wore smiles that wouldn't fade

You and I were the renegades, some things never change

It made me so mad 'cause I wanted it bad for us baby

Now it's so sad that whatever we had, ain't worth saving

If the love that I got for you is gone

If the river I've cried ain't that long T

hen I'm wrong, yes I'm wrong, this ain't a love song

If the pain that I'm feeling so strong

Is the reason that I'm holding on

Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong - this ain't a love song

I cried and I cried

There were nights that I died for you baby

I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy

If the love that I got for you is gone

If the river I cried ain't that long

Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong - this ain't no love song

If the pain that I'm feeling so strong

Is the reason that I'm holding on

Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong - this ain't a love song

If the pain that I'm feeling so strong

Is the reason that I'm holding on

Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong - this ain't a love song

Yes, I'm wrong, yeah, I'm wrong - this ain't a love song

For we are all played for clowns or fools by the hands of fate.

2008-10-24T00:28:00.009+08:00

There is a clown on the world's stage.

A clown who doesn't even stand in the middle of the circus but rather by the side of the ring. A clown who works so hard to juggle whatever is thrown at him, practises and performs to make the audience laugh and such. Hoping all the time that he can be in the center of the ring even for just one person if never the world.

But all in all, a clown who is laughed at, laughed with but never significant. A clown who will remain by the side of the ring when the lights dim and the audience shuffling out, left there with teardrops flowing over the artificial smile. Un-noticed and unremembered.

Is this really how he feels? Nah. There is only so much a narrator can describe what is felt. Words are only words. Somebody else's shoes are always his, walking around in his shoes doesn't make you him.

Fake Sense of Control

2008-10-22T11:26:00.002+08:00

I was leaving school with a friend yesterday evening. On the way to the bus stop, he enlightened me on the bus timings informer which works in such a way that all you have to do is to sms the bus number and bus stop code to the service provider. After which, a reply would be sent to you, informing you about the time the bus would take to arrive at the bus stop.

According to him, this gives people a fake sense of control. Even though the buses still come at an already planned timing, the service (for bus timings, not the buses) now gives people a sense of purpose or knowledge when waiting for buses. While in the past, it was "sigh.. I have been waiting for this long, I wonder when the bus is going to arrive", now it is "I have already waiting for xxx minutes, the bus will arrive in another yyy minutes".

In addition, it also gives him (my friend) the power to make a choice as to which bus to take. For example, he can now know if he should wait for the next bus 75 (which may arrive in less than 5 mins) to get home or board the 184 that has already arrived. Taking bus 75 would mean a shorter walk for him back home.

With all its advantages, my friend and I ended up waiting for about 20 mins for a bus that was meant to arrive in 12 mins. We waited for another 10 mins for the same bus which was meant to be arriving.

...

2008-10-18T08:22:00.002+08:00

Understand this. There are some things that I cannot share with anybody. At the very core of them are ideas so bleak that I sometimes wonder how am I even surviving now. These ideas won't take you now, they may not take you tomorrow nor maybe even a month after but someday when you are down, they will haunt you as a word from an anonymous person from your past or maybe even as a revelation from yourself. This is how things work. Idea are not born every second of our lives. They are passed down, bonded with other ideas and rephrased by our very thoughts and deceiving us into believing that we own them. That we are unique. The truth is that we neither own them nor are we unique.

Symbol?

2008-10-15T23:10:00.004+08:00

A friend had very recently challenged the very idea of holding hands when you are attached another person. He brought it up as a very simple question, "Actually what does holding hands mean?"

I guess there had been a time when I would have answered it differently or I would have challenged the same thing in a similar sense. However, the truth is that some things still linger on.

Enters the New

2008-10-07T23:59:00.002+08:00

I came across a pretty mild shock this morning - the Killiney Post Office near Centre-Point is in the process of being torn down. It was a shock because I just saw its lights being on last Friday night as the bus I was on went by it. Maybe it had already stopped operating as a post office then but with the lights being on, one would assume that it should still be running.

In any case, I have never stepped into the post office but somehow that post office had always held a prominent position the map of Orchard Road in my mind. I guess it has got to do with its uniqueness in the modern shopping district that attracted my attention everytime the bus went by. Furthermore, if u cropped the mental photograph of the post office a little and get rid of the modern architectures around, it has a pretty nice scenic background of the surrounding miniature park (which has a name and I don't remember it).

Next, I went to the make-shift market for Albert Centre (in Bugis). They are renovating Albert Centre. As I visited the make-shift market, I felt a certain tinge of sadness for I knew that it was going to be the last time I would see the market for itself. The thing about make-shift market places are that the vendors tend to bring what was in their stores over. This preserves the authenticity. however, when the places get renovated and vendors start to move back, they would renovate their shops with newer brighter signboard which essentially strip the stalls of their age-old feel.

A Word, Please?

2008-09-25T00:42:00.003+08:00

A recent night cycling trip had made me realised that I do not in fact like night cycling as itself. I used to like the ones organised because they visited places in town. It felt a whole lot free-er to be able to ride along orchard road as you like it, as opposed to having to avoid the crowd as you walk along it. Somewhere deep down, I believe that there is a word to describe this feeling. And have in fact asked around for it but I get replies like "nice", "weird", "uneasy" and several more. Talk about differing points of view....

I guess it is the beauty of the night and the vast emptiness of the streets that attract me. Then again to call it the beauty of the night is a lie for our nights are filled with operating street lamps, advertisement boards shining away at bus stops and so many more artificial installations to the natural landscape around. Yet, this is precisely the idea. Certain beauties can only be appreciated from a distance. Like the beauty of the rain falling down on your windscreen, a single droplet of water decending expresses beauty in the form of the spli second whereby time seems to slow. These are beautiful because you are not standing in the rain, safe from it. Similarly, the night is only beautiful because of all these artificial installations which protects us from the true silence and darkness of the night.

The vast emptiness of the streets is tricky. It is a feeling that I won't get anywhere else but in town. Not around a housing estate, not along the beach. It is because of its comparative nature I suppose. The beach is never as crowded as say orchard road on a everyday basis. Thus the feeling of emptiness is heightened in Orchard road at 4 am in the morning as compared to the beach at 4 am in the morning. Further to this, the vast emptiness of the streets can never be felt in a housing estate because of the very fact that anywhere around you will be filled with people locked up in places they call home, in their dreams.

Ha~ I shall leave it hanging here. I always hated conclusions. Thought that teachers were lame whenever they say that you need to repeat and talk about your points again at the conclusion. Besides that, I am only up now because of a phonecall came in right at the moment when I was slipping into unconciousness.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2008-09-22T22:25:00.002+08:00

I would have sworn that I had blogged about this book approximately 3-4 years ago but a check into past entries had proven otherwise. Sigh. My memory has failed me. I borrowed it from the library a few years back and have recently owned a copy of it as a gift. I find it such a good book that I have read it for the second time. This is definitely not something I would do for leisure reading.

In any case, the only reason I can think of for not having blogged about it was that it is such a good book that no single blog entry can finish talking about it. Frankly, the only reason why I find it good is because of the numerous ideas being brought together and explained in layman terms, within a story. Well.. The word "story" is not particularly correct as there are like short lectures during the course of the story. Somewhat like the analogy being the focus while the ideas are the props.

Having read it for a second time, I must say that it sort of gives me a different view of things and especially people. Ha~ While 4 years ago I thought that Tomas was foolish in his continual pursue to be with Tereza, I now understand his efforts in doing so.

There are just so many things to say about this book. Let's just say that if I were to list out all the quotes that are worth remembering, they could fill up at least 3 pages of A4 paper. Then again, because of the writer's style, the book is essentially dry but still interesting in an informative sense.

Moving On

2008-09-13T23:49:00.003+08:00

That was a pretty emo entry earlier that I typed like last week but only posted it like 5 mins ago. Cuz I initially wanted to include some stuff but couldn't think of it at that time. Finally, after a week, the emo-ness is has left the house and thus I felt that there isn't any point in continuing it. But for the effort that went into typing it, it should at least be posted.

In any case, all that can be said is that for what it's worth, it was worth all the while. No doubt the end was saddening and painful, for the moments it lasted, it was beautiful. At least to me.

Oh.. I guess I finally realised sth about myself. I like to walk. Well.. Not like it is my habit or anything but I guess that very act of walking holds a strange attraction, in that the constant action of entering and leaving a place shortens the time spent in one particular place. By doing so, one can avoid the possibilities of maintaining any substantial human interaction like the curious looks of others or maybe small little tiddings of conversations of the people near you or even the uncle asking if you want a drink. To speak the truth, while we all need some social interactions at least, there are just times when human interactions can get a wee bit irritating.

On the same note, I guess this is why a lifestyle of back-packing and doing odd-jobs sort of attracts me at times.

Finally, after gym today, I found a pretty nice place somewhere in Yew Tee. As a result of the Macs and NTUC signboards standing on top of the little cluster, I had always thought of this place to be a normal market place. However, when i entered it, it held some sort of a different feel cuz of the architect. It felt like a miniature and much less fashionable bugis junction sort of place. The shops are the regular book shops and stuff. The thing that attracted me the most was the food court as it is pretty old and has not succumb to the trend of renovation to Kopitiam style, and more importantly, the variety of food there was limited as it is a small food court. Thus I was not spoilt with choice and also it did not have the sometimes-helpful-Ch-U-recommendations, which essentially tells u wat to eat when you visit a food court for the first time. In fact, when I left the food court I felt that even though the place was old and wasn;t the cleanest, everything there seems to come in a set. Aesthetically, everything looked pleasant because of this(even the old old toilets). And lastly, but equally important merit of the place is tt the Sweet talk there sells bubble tea only for 1.30!!!! haha..

The Exploding Man

2008-09-09T09:19:00.003+08:00

Have you ever watch Heroes Season 1? There was this guy who was pretty much a living time bomb and much of the season revolved around preventing him (or his likes) from exploding. I think the very idea of a exploding man is strangely attractive. Imagine an explosion within you (mind you, not via some equipment on you) that disintegrates you. Within split seconds, reduces you to the very atoms that you were made up of. It is not simply the physical loss that accompanies it. Imagine also the breaking of ties. The very imagery of an explosion from within is like destroying all forms of relations. Right from the core of them - human needs for social connections.

Much as the idea is fascinating (to me), it is largely impossible and frankly too drastic a move for one to contemplate. Such a destruction of your very needs for social interaction would mean the accompaniment of the permanent incapability to do so. I guess when that does happen, you will probably not be bothered or not desire any future need for social interaction.

On the other hand, as human, we do what we do best - to mitigate the consequences. We build walls around us. Different walls function base on different mechanism, but with the common need for social interactions. A simple one would be to continually talk about others. Show an interest in their lives. Never giving them a chance to ask about oneself or simply avoid a situation when the conversation focuses on oneself. It is an observation I made.

A Lack of Emotional Attachment?

2008-08-14T20:04:00.002+08:00

There seems to be a dense cloud of emotional issues happening around me. I do not know how to put it exactly for there are just too many for me to talk about and all of them are just so wide-ranging that I do not know what to say about them. But if at all, emotional issues would be the most general classification of them.

The curious thing is that somehow despite what people around me feel about these issues, I don't feel a thing about them. It is not exactly tt either. It is sort of a helpless feeling or tt nothing I can do will improve the situation or tt anything I do would make the situation worse that drives me to the final words, 'This is life. Happy can already la~"

I can pinpoint exactly what is the major factor that has affected this. At least in my recollection, I was not so. Or at least not to such an extent.

No Less Screwed Up

2008-07-05T13:16:00.002+08:00

I guess there are parts of my life that are essentially what you would call, "Screwed up." Truth be told, although I totally agree with this naming, I think that it is pretty normal. For I believe that my life is no less screwed up than the many people I have met, am meeting and will meet. And likewise theirs compared to mine. For I do believe that my life is no less screwed up than that of the person who stood behind me in the queue when I was in the supermarket earlier, nor is it less screwed up than the lady who was in the same lift as I was as I got home, nor is her life any less screwed up than the bus load of people who were on board the same bus as her before she got to the lift. Basically,we are all one way or another, having a screwed up life. It is just whether we are aware of these screwed up portions of our lives or not.

But what pushes us on in living these lives? The words of the so-called "wise-men"? They whom were labeled "wise" because their words gave our ancestors excuses to live on while men who begged us to just give up living were labeled as "mad-men". Or the fear of death, which is essentially an unknown. Subscribe to the different religions will provide vastly different destinations for death. Which you believe is only but a bet.

There is also the strange desire to be able to abandon the place we are in at the moment and all the problems tied to it, and go to a place where we can "start anew". That is only a lie. For one cannot escape the parts of one's life that had already been lived. Also, it is a strangely attractive thought to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. If my life were this screwed up here where I am sitting at my table typing this entry, how less screwed up can it get if I were to take a plane and go to a quiet place somewhere?

What is Life All About?

2008-06-07T07:27:00.002+08:00

An unfortunate event happened recently. An uncle of mine just past away. I ain't close to him. To begin with, I ain't close to most of my relatives either. In any case, I was at the wake for two nights and these two nights made me feel somewhat 'normal'. The thing that made me feel so was that there was no tears. There wasn't much conversation of how he was before he left or stuff, much less tear-drops from the sons, daughters or nieces and nephews. Conversations mainly involved what are their future plans.... I guess I have always thought myself to be too emotion-less for thinking that when something bad does happen to my parents, I would probably not be exaggeratedly upset like in those movies or tv serials. Well.. Maybe if such a thing happens to somebody close to me and is near my age grp, I will be more upset because of the suddenness and the loss. Well.. Something about already being mentally prepared for their being gone whereas not the case for people closer to my age group.

Then here's going to be what makes me weird. I sort of like the atmosphere at a wake. Maybe it is the light bulbs in chinese funerals held in the void decks. Or maybe it is just the morbid feeling and silence in general. I have a strange attraction towards graveyards too. Of course not in the middle of the night la~ I remember reading once in an article that the writer loves to visit other countries and hopefully catch their funeral proceedings. His/her reason for doing so was to appreciate their culture by experiencing how they appreciate their deads. I confess that I do not have such a cultured view towards it. It is just a general feeling of silence and what I would call 'lack or presence'. Lack being that a person is lost of course. And presence is the tricky one. It is the presence of sadness, death, lack of reason to live, and so many things associated with death. Things, emotions that we cannot find in many places. Other places are often filled with happenings. These happenings are often there to drive away the sadness, death, lack of reason to live etc. I mean take orchard rd, some people shop there to escape their sadness. They meet their friends there to escape loneliness.

Perfection

2008-05-15T20:48:00.002+08:00

Hmm.. Where should I begin? I was sitting in front of the comp, thinking about what to blog and I decided to blog about a recent incident. Let's just establish the fact, shall we? It goes that nobody is perfect. I have never been perfect. I have made my fair share of mistakes in life, make choices on impulse and stuff. You get the point... The thing is that there is pretty much nothing I can do about them. I can't make amendments and I certainly cannot return to the past and undo them. Well.. This isn't the issue once you grow to accept that the past cannot be undone. The issue is that the past do return to haunt you.

Then again, it is only an issue if you think of it to be so. Hmmm.. How should I put it? In a recent event, the past doing was reproduced by a friend, in front of others. I mean, sure it was pretty tactless of the friend to bring it up and joke about it but then this is life. You made a choice in the past and its effect may only be felt long after. And it comes in many forms. The one mentioned was just one of them. As such, rather than blame the means, I have only myself to blame for the mistake.

Sianzzzz

2008-03-11T21:58:00.003+08:00

Here's the thing. Most of the time, I have control over what I feel or express to some extent. Some times, I choose not to be angry over some issues. On other times, I choose to do so. It is not a trigger that gets me on a mad spree of scolding people around. But rather, it is a stop in time where I decide whether to get that emotionally affected by it that I allow things to go out of hand a little. At least, this is what I would like myself to believe in at least. After the choice has been made to just let the anger be expressed, that is where control is lost momentarily.

Then there is the one issue which I have always let it past because there is essentially nothing much I can do. And also nothing much that I want to do. Every time it occurs, I simply fill my mind with a million and one other things just to keep it out. At times, I just blank myself out because there is nothing to be done even if I bother myself with it. It is escapism to some extent. Helplessness too. Well.. It finally caught up with me this morning. I was afraid that if I let it get by me any more often, I would lose whatever values that I hold on to. I guess by being afraid, I haven't lose that much of them. Yet, with all these thinking, there is still nothing I can do about it. So what's the point? And the frightening thing is that once it got to me, it hung on to me. I just didn't feel like meeting anybody because I did not want to talk. I didn't succeed though. In any case, it is still clinging on now.

I remember once that I told a good friend that I do not like to talk about the sad things in my life. But when I told her how screwed up my life is, it made her feel better about her own life already. Still, there are the good things that make my life pleasant and I can't really go around complaining.

Moment

2008-03-07T23:29:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been in a moment when you feel that the particular place you are in is special or unique? It doesn't have to be some place nice or beautiful. It could be a place you been to every other day or a scene you have seen many times before. For example, one of these moments happened to me just the other day. We just finished our test and were handing our papers to the invigilators. I was one of the first to hand in as I was near the beginning of the line. As I sat back and stared at the ceiling, I heard the voices of people start to increase and it just felt special. It was as if I could "see" the voices fill up the whole MPSH and just keep reflecting back after they hit the ceiling. Only to be covered up by "new comers" made by the people around. Maybe it was that I didn't feel like talking about the paper, I was probably one of the few silent ones around, and the moment just felt different and special.

Sushi

2008-03-01T19:00:00.002+08:00

I have a theory about the coveyor belts in sushi bars - they make you eat more! It has something to do with them "crawling" around or in front of you as you eat. Makes you keep thinking about the next plate of sushi as you are eating what is on your table.

It may have something to do with their numbers too. Plates followed by plates of sushi entering the dining area from a mysterious rubber flap. Their shear numbers and replenishment rate must be another marketing strategy to get customers to eat more as they eat.

And of course, the way that they are being lay out of the plates tempts one to take them off the belt.

These were my thoughts as I walked to the sushi shop to take-away some sushi for dinner for the second time this week. For each meal, I spent only about a third of what I would normally spend if I were in a sushi bar, and I am already quite full from the meal. Thus my theory.

Another thought that came to me as I was choosing which sushi to get was - if there were such things as retribution and reincarnation etc., I would probably be reincarnated to be a salmon.

Update

2008-02-23T22:22:00.004+08:00

Ha.. Pretty much nothing to blog about lately. Life has been revolving around Facebook, mugging, projects, facebook, hellgate london, movies, mugging, facebook. and of course msn is a big draw. Ha..

Yes. Facebook. I am in the process of creating an album called, 'All it takes is a 2 megapixel camera phone'. It is part of my mini-campaign to protest against the ever-increasing number of megapixels that normal people, cam whores... do not need. It involves part of everyday life around school mostly (I know how pathetic this sounds). To speak the truth, another reason for this mini-campaign is that my digi-cam has been kidnapped by my sis all the way to Hong Kong for 1 month. However, if my digi-cam were around, photos of life outside school will probably be taken using it cuz it is essentially stupid to have paid 600 over bucks for a digi-cam and then embark on a campaign that uses only a 2 mega-pixel camera phone. Now, here's the thing. Essentially there are a lot of things we do not need in life but because we have them all around us, we have been led to use them one way or another. One way is of course as above, a way of thinking such that if you don't use it, you are probably stupid.

On another note, Across the Universe is a pretty nice show. No doubt there are some parts that are not totally understandable as I am not a fan of Beatles and do not know the happenings in their era, a look into Wikipedia (search for across the universe) is essentially useful in providing these little details that might help in understanding the weird parts. And when the pieces have fallen into place, the movie was actually pretty good and the singing is great! Not to mention, Evan Rachel Wood is pretty.. haha..

Lastly, another reason for a lack of update is that I have not been reading any interesting things lately. Time has been spent going for my Conflict Resolution module on weekends (it ended 3 weeks ago) and also trying not to lag behind for the other modules. No time for papers and readings are actually boring engineering stuff.

What Will People Say?

2008-01-24T15:45:00.000+08:00

I think it is a pretty common question that people ask themselves. 'What will people say about me at my wake when I die?' Seriously, I always wonder why people even bother with such a question. The simple and plain truth is that in general, during a wake, nobody in his or her right state of mind is going to say, 'This guy lying in the coffin.. You know, he was a sucker before he died.' I mean given the societal norms of our time and place, talking bad about somebody at his/her wake seems to be a pretty impolite thing to do.

However, let's say that there is just one such person in the world who happens to dislike you so much that he chooses to go to your wake, shouting about how much of a loser you were or how much you hurt him before you died. Just what has he achieved by doing so? Nothing. You are already dead. There is pretty much nothing he can do to resolve his unhappiness. Maybe by letting it out, he feels better by a little. Then there is pretty much nothing you can do about it since you are already lying in your coffin. Probably with layers of make-up to cover up your decaying skin.

Of course, in such a case, nothing can be done in the future if something like that is to happen. As always, the present is the key. The question here is simply, 'What can you do so that you are certain that such a thing will not happen in future?' The problem is that you can never be certain about it. In everything that you do, there is bound to be some form of benefits to some people and damage to others. We may try everyday to be the nice men and women to everybody but all it takes is just one unlucky day for it to not work out and cause others to dislike you. Ultimately, the most important question is, 'Just how much of yourself are you in the course of your everyday interaction that you could avoid antagonizing others?' If the answer is very little. Then does the benefit of people not talking bad about you during your wake outweigh the trouble of being somebody you are not?

Now, if we stop to think about it, everybody has his or her own right. Our rights come in different forms like right to life, right to be ourselves etc. Suppose that we get on everyday just exercising our rights of being ourselves, what will happen is that some days we may infringe on the rights of others. Thus causing them unhappiness. It is here that I feel that we should not be that bothered with the rights of others in some sense. It is also here that the others whose rights are infringe upon then has the right to do something about it. Be it to scold you or to avoid conflict or more. If the other person does not exercise his/her own right at this point but chooses to hold back and be quiet about it, then that's his/her problem. If he/she chooses to hold it back until your wake and he/she explodes with all his/her unhappiness about you, then I guess it is a form of sympathy for that person as he/she did not have the courage to exercise his/her rights until you are dead?

Haha.. Am I making any sense here? Sounds like an asshole's way of doing things.

Blogging Spree

2008-01-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

I did it. I am finally back into blogging I think or at least currently at 1200 hrs and Jie Hui's msn dying on both of us, I am back into blogging. It never fails to amaze me how the simple blogging template on blogger can make me think about so much stuff that I otherwise can't come up with on the MS word processor. Take for example, a simple journal entry that my module requires me to write for 6 days. I am currently on day 2. I was having difficulties coming up with what to write for day 1 until I started blogging a bit about it. here is a small excerpt of it, only half done and not vetted yet.

"Day 1 began with the exercise on trying to fix a price for a product called Vidget. Basically, we were divided into groups of 4. Within each group, there are two companies and I formed a company with Lynnette while Gabriel Fu formed the other company with Kai Xian. The idea was that we are the two companies that produce and sell Vidget. Being employees of the company, we are given the task of maximizing the profits of our companies and we are only able to set the prices at $15, $25 or $35. $25 was the original price Vidget was sold at by our companies. Both Lynnette and myself agreed to set the price to be at $35 because we wanted to send a signal to the other company that we should both set the price to be the highest so as to reap profit and make mutual benefits for both companies. At the same time, we were also hoping that our counterparts would do the same too.

However, when we came to know that the initial price set by Gabriel and Kai Xian was $15, Lynnette and I decided to cut prices to $15 so as reduce our losses. This maintained until representatives from the two companies were allowed to meet and discuss on prices. It may be because I have read one of the recommended text before attending the lesson and also did some math on the table given, I assumed that the others knew that although one side may win the other by cutting prices, ultimately even more profit or benefits could be reaped when both companies charge the highest price. As such, during my first conversation with Gabriel, I simply established that a price of $35 by both sides is beneficial to us all. I neglected the other important areas like establishing common goals and interests, and very importantly, trust. This negligence on my side led them to cut the price down to $15 (from $35) when it was announced that profits was doubled. Gabriel later did mention that one of the reasons for them doing so was that they were afraid that Lynnette and I would break our promise and under cut them. This could have been avoided if I had paid more attention to building trust, especially since it was the first time we are seeing each other in real life.

This was later resolved when we met a second time. I felt that Kai Xian handled it pretty well in the sense that she agreed to allow us to set a lower price than them so as to allow us to recuperate some losses. In a way, she was giving us some benefits to allow us to keep the doors open for negotiation. Thus the prices then maintained at $35 for both companies until the one round before the last when we both undercut our prices. I feel that this was mainly because we did not trust one another and also to begin with Lynnette and I had lower profit margins. As such, on Gabriel's and Kai Xian's side, we had a stronger motive to back stab them to gain profit. To some extent, I feel that having some kind of value is important to gain some standing in the negotiation process too."

In any case, one of the more interesting things I learn on day 1 was something about peoples' responses to issues depending on the importance of the issue and that of the relationship. The choices are collaborate, compromise, accommodate, avoid and compete. To avoid for unimportant issues and unimportant relationships. To collaborate for important issues and important relationships. I feel that it is a relative kind of thing whereby to somebody there may be very little issues that that so important that he or she may choose not to avoid, when in comparison with how important relationships are to him or her.

On a separate note, I was sitting in Jun Hong's car the other day. He just got his license!!! yeah! In any case, I thought that it was some kind of habit. I tended to look behind when every Jun Hong wanted to change lane. It wasn't that I don't trust him. Just that I am used to looking through the mirror to look behind when I change lane.

Chickens

2008-01-11T18:56:00.000+08:00

And so with 1 point into UBZ3001 - Conflict resolution, I have my single USP module for this semester. I am hereby doing 5 modules this semester. Not doing any French modules as I will be going to Alliance Francaise this May or June to study it.

Haha.. I think I have MIA-ed from this blog for a very long time since the examinations. Of course, ignoring all the low quality blog entries. In any case, below is a lame entry on chickens.

I find that the species known as chicken is probably one of the most disadvantaged species around. Firstly, they come in a size neither too big nor too small. They are unable to evade from predators as many smaller species do and they are not big enough to even protect themselves from say, a lion. Next, they have wings but are only able to be airborne for a few seconds. This coupled with their short legs means that they are not exactly the best at escaping from predators. The only form of defense they probably have is the beak, which may scratch but not kill.

On top of being disadvantaged, they are also probably one of the most deprived species around. "Because of its relatively low cost, chicken is one of the most used meats in the world. Nearly all parts of the bird can be used for food, and the meat is cooked in many different ways around the world." Not to mention that eggs are also eaten. Eggs, which should hatch into chicks or if you forgot what it means, it means BABY chickens! Further to this, unlike many other species like the cow or the pig, there is probably no known modern religion that holds any restriction towards the consumption of chickens only. And in some, it is even being viewed as related to bad qualities.

Meanwhile, maybe it is a trick of the eye but I believe that the pigeons around Singapore have gotten fatter over the years and their numbers are growing rapidly. It is time to change the world! Let's stop eating chickens and start on pigeons which shit anywhere they like all over Singapore. Kill the pests! Free the useless! haha... crap...........................

China

2007-12-30T23:58:00.000+08:00

Ha.. Hasn't blogged for a long time. Got my results. Was a little disappointed in it but also expected it. Really need to work hard for the next sem.

I just got back from China. Basically, I went to Beijing n Cheng de (I dun tink it is cheng du). In any case, Beijing was cold but Cheng De was colder. Emperors went to Cheng de's Bi Shu Shan Zhuang for the summer. So my thought was 'what the hell was i doing there during winter?' Basically, China left a 'grey' impression in my mind mostly cuz of the haze and long nights due to winter. And maybe cuz I kept missing somebody. ha~ I am probably never going to go back to China again. I hope~

Life?

2007-12-09T10:01:00.001+08:00

I remember a colleague from MINDEF once told me, 'After you get your first 21st birthday party invitation, the rest will follow. Same for wedding invitations and lastly funerals.' I also read this article in Lifestyle today by Margo McCutcheon. Basically about life and death. How her conversation with her friends became so boring such that they were talking about washing-machines during a party or something. I was going to insert an alternative point of view to this but oh well.. I guess I just don't believe it at all to even type it out fluently. Anyway, fyi - the alternative pt of view goes something like they have been close friends for so long and known so much that conversations become so boring at times and there are no reason to portray anything at all.

In any case, it was then that she decided to change her lifestyle to one that allows her to experience life so to speak. Here I remember an idiotic lecturer of mine once told me, 'While we will like to do something we are interested in (for a project), reality is that what we are interested in doesn't mean good grades.' It is a balance kind of thing as according to Margo too. Money and material wants vs experiencing life.

Ok. This sucks. I am unable to write what I'm thinking exactly. haha. Too long a time away from blogging and rushing a blog is no good.

Fantastic day

2007-11-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

I was skimming through the blogs and came across a fren's blog entry which started with 'a fantastic day'. It is just his way and outlook in life but I shall not step into that particular area of concern. In any case, come to think about it, I don't really have a fantastic moment as yet, much less a fantastic day. Maybe it is because my standards are too high or maybe the criteria for having a fantastic moment has not even been satisfied yet. What comes as a fantastic moment for u? I think for me is that it must most importantly be special in some sense. Unique such that I am sure that nobody else can experience the same thing with the same circumstances or people he/she is with. You know what I mean? It can be a simple moment of like watching the raindrop hit the windscreen or sth but it is just tt circumstances at that moment that makes it fantastic and unique. If not for these unique circumstances, the moment will simply be nice and not fantastic.

By the way, Sony Vaio TZ is just sooooo cool!!!!

Anyway, here are two videos I found nice. One is kind of describing what i am feeling while the other is nice in its own sense.

We Build Walls

2007-11-09T21:47:00.000+08:00

Think of ourselves as being surrounded by LEGO blocks. You know, the very special transparent kinds. We enter this world with the minimal number of blocks surrounding ourselves. Slowly as we grow, we stack more blocks on top of them and these walls become higher and thicker. Why is this so? It is just a sort of defence mechanism. To protect ourselves from people who are different, people who may hurt us, or maybe they are just there to give ourselves support at the end of the day when fatigue takes over.

Anyway, I really think that I am a little too bitchy lately. There is a need to bring myself down. I am not so high and mighty that I can just ostracize people.

Lack of blogging.

2007-11-07T21:43:00.001+08:00

There have been lack of blogging activity recently. Partly because of the work and exams coming. Mostly because every time I want to blog, there is only this one issue I want to blog about but I don't know how to put it and I rather be able to tell it to her.

Homosexuality - The Gay Gene

2007-11-03T20:52:00.000+08:00

Just for the record, there is no such thing as a 'gay gene' as yet. All that can be said is that there is some form of a correlation between genetics and homosexuality.
In any case, this is the title of my project for one of my USP modules. If you have seen me around in school, you might have caught me carrying quite a number (6 to be exact) books on homosexuality. My initial thoughts about the research to find a correlation for genes and homosexuality was that it was pretty stupid for homosexuals to want this. This is because finding a cause for homosexuality does not mean that general stereotype against homosexuals will end. The fight for homosexual rights just doesn't end. Intially, gay right activist fought for homosexuality to be a lifestyle choice and they did succeed when American Psychology Association (APA) took homosexuality off the list of mental disorders. However, this was followed by homosexuality being viewed as a choice but a wrong one that undermines family values. So what if homosexuality is found to have some genetic correlation? It doesn't change much right?
Well.. Maybe not in Singapore but think about countries that are more religious. One particular faith I know of holds strong biasness against homosexuality. Suppose you are born into this religion and hold strong faith in it, somehow you live in such a lifestyle that is being condemned by the very religion you believe in. What will you choose? A life of condemnation or a life you do not want? Now, a genetic cause for this lifestyle will tell the world that it is god that created you this way. Thus you cannot be condemned for such a lifestyle. Just a thought~

Alive?

2007-10-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

Fairy tales were the warm welcomes that received us into the lives we are in. Then reality started knocking on the doors of our lives some time later. Slowly, it enters into our lives. Kicking out one fairytale at a time with every step it takes. Don't you think that life is all about lies? Lies to keep us living on. Always telling us that there is something to look forward to. But is there really that something? That something could be a simple fairytale, a faith, some kind of reward or whatever you have in mind... It is what fuels you to live. I am not talking about work or stuff. Just simply living. Then as you reach the end of your life, you found out that the very thing you live for is just a childish dream. Or maybe by that time, u have already forgotten about the something you once wanted. Because reality came in.

I don't know what is the something I live for anymore. It has been blurred some time ago. At times, I wonder if I am still living or am I now a machine which keeps on thinking that it has life, a social circle, feelings and therefore is human. I was scolding somebody just now but I didn't feel anything as I scolded. I realized that words of anger could be used even when the anger wasn't there. Am I real? I know I am because I am feeling something for some time. Something that makes me feel a bit loser-ish at the same time. sucks...

Just... Ignore me for being vague.

2007-10-16T21:33:00.000+08:00

I guess it is always calm before the storm. or whatever that phrase actually is. There were signs of a bad week ahead since this morning and it has just started. Actually, I kind of knew that it would be coming. I guess within this family, it is just a cycle kind of thing. I tried to delay it by holding back a little. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I did it. Each time it happened, I was a little scared and each time it cooled off, I grew a little bit more mature? I dunno. It is more of a whatever happens, life still goes on kind of thing. I am not scared about the issue. Afterall, having been through so many cycles of it, I guess I just grew to be attuned to it. Or maybe the very minimal amount of independence I have is enough to see me through it. I don't know. Or maybe I am just a self-centred bastard who can't really be involved in it. Or maybe I am just in a fix cuz I just can't decide what to do right. Both ways are against what I have been taught. A simple self-rescuing mechanism is simply to sit back and let nature take its course. Which is a pretty screwed up approach by itself. To some extent, having been through so many cycles, I wonder if I would be some what affected by this and that in future, the same bloody thing will happen to my family. Or will the time come when I face such a situation and decide that it is ok? It is scary when I think about it. I mean haven't we all once believed in something only to have the belief thrown out of the window when the time of judgment comes? There is just this confidence in myself that it would not happen but then there is this sync with reality that leaves me questioning. And statistics around are not exactly helpful.

Different?

2007-10-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

In our individual quests to be different from the others, we become essentially the same. We follow the latest fashion, or maybe decide to stick to one style, speak in a particular tone and everything to differentiate ourselves from the others. But in doing so, we are actually becoming the same as those who wanna be different as well. I guess it is ironic in the sense that in all our efforts to be unique, we end up being the same. Yet, this is also that which pushes our progress and change.

On another note, we are all trapped in a particular discourse - you need to progress to survive. Or sth along this line. With this, our parents feared for our future and pushed us to progress academically so that we may live better in future. To prepare for our future so to speak. With this, we have been told that JC will be an easier life compared to Sec sch and Uni will be a breeze compared to JC. And so, we find ourselves mugging our lives away in Uni. So is it truly a breeze? Even having identified the discourse and possibly some lies, what are we doing? Still mugging our lives away. The reason is that we are afraid of being the 'extra' one who escapes this discourse and don't know what the future holds. The thing is u don't know what happens to those 'extra' ones. I mean you know they chose a different path but u don't know what their future holds cuz there is just so little of them to emulate or follow. Not to say that the future painted by the discourse we are in is picture-perfect or whatever, but at least we know what to expect to some extent - U get a job and slave ur life away or u can't find a job and slave ur life away too, just to find one. You will then probably settle down and stuff.

Now the question is should u have a child, would u want him/her to be in the same discourse as u or would u try to pull him out of this discourse? Would u be afraid that he/she ends up being an 'extra' one and being ill-prepared for this 'discourse-trapped world', and that he/she will blame u in the end? or vice-versa.

Then the easier way out is the one usually traveled. Thus the never-ending discourse we are in.

I Should Be Studying...

2007-10-06T00:28:00.000+08:00

Kenneth is going to talk in a third person manner today cuz Kenneth watch Grey's Anatomy on Wednesday and one of the patients in the show was talking in third person. Kenneth found it both irritating and funny to do so. In any case, Kenneth screwed up a presentation on Wednesday, screwed up a test on Thursday and life pretty much goes on for Kenneth la~ Kenneth should also be studying now but oh well exams just ended and Kenneth needs a bit of a downtime despite the number of assignments due next week.

Oh yah.. Kenneth has gotten a bit more blind recently. Kenneth boarded 95 instead of 96 earlier from school. Kenneth then alighted at Holland V to change to another bus to get home. Kenneth took 970 instead of 75 cuz 75 was taking like forever to get there and Kenneth got home nearly 2 hrs after he left school. WTH

On another note, Kenneth has been thinking abt it too much.

LDR

2007-09-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

A friend asked me about my views on long distance relationship some time ago. I didn't exactly have an answer then. I just said that I thought that it is possible and depends la~ Come to think about it, there is no general view on LDR. There should not be anyway. Questioning one's faith in a LDR is like questioning his/her own faith in himself/herself and also in the other party. Just my thoughts la...

"Emo"

2007-09-24T21:00:00.001+08:00

I was bored and decided to randomly type a word and search for it. The word is "emo' and here is the link. I was pretty facinated when I saw this article of wikipedia. I suddenly recall a fren's words that he wiki-ed some love problems. haha..

To some extent, I kind of like the times I spend mugging right now. It is the amount of effort put into understanding the concepts that essentially keep desired but sad thoughts out of the brain.

There is only this much one can do...

Here's just one example abt how Bon Jovi's song has some kind of a 'you' factor.

Seat Next To You ( I think the melody of this song sux btw)

Long slow drive down an old dirt road
You've got your hand out the window, listening to the radio
That's where I wanna be...
On an old park bench in the middle of December
Cold hard rain fallin', can't find no cover
That would be alright with me...
Hard days, good times, blue skies, dark nights
Baby, I want you to take me ... wherever you're going to
Maybe say that you'll save me ... a seat next to you
In the corner booth of a downtown bar, with your head on my shoulder
Smokin' on a cheap cigar...that would be alright with me
In the back row of a movie or a cross-town train
I wanna hear your voice whispering my name...that's where I wanna be
Hard days, good times, blue skies, dark nights
Baby, say that you'll take me ... wherever you're going to
Maybe say that you'll save me ... a seat next to you
Life is like a ferris wheel, spinnin' around
When you get to the top it's hard to look down
Just hang on ... we'll make it through
Save me ... a seat next to you
When you get to the gates and the angels sing
Go to that place where the church bells ring
You know I'll come runnin' ... runnin' to find you
Baby, say that you'll take me ... wherever you're going to
Maybe I want you to save me ... a seat next to you
A seat next to you
A seat ... next to you
A seat ... next to you

Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore

2007-09-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

I came to a conclusion as to why some people think that I look like I have a CAP of 2.5 or that I sometimes sound more rational than I look. The first level of reasoning is that I have the 'what the hell am I doing here' kind of look when I'm in school. Then to a deeper reasoning is that I don't only have that look when I'm in school. I have it on most of the time and it is just that at other times, some other expressions take over.

I think it has something to do with my views about life, which is essentially nothing. Frankly, I don't see much meaning in life. I mean we come, we live and we die. It is just a cycle we are in. Religion is simply a form of escapism by justifying an end and giving life meaning. This, we can never really prove until we get there. (sorry to all the religious people out there!)

So why don't I just die now and escape this cycle, this mundane lifestyle? Well.. Let's say you are in France for a tour by yourself. For some reason, you do not really have a need to get to anywhere else or complete anything after your trip, just simply that you go home at the end of your trip. You bought a train ticket to get from Grenoble to Annecy. Somewhere along you missed your stop and the next stop is Geneva in Switzerland. (This incident of missing the stop actually happened when I was in France). Obviously you have no choice but to alight in Geneva, where you haven't been to. Since you don't really have to rush to anywhere, why not just stay in Geneva for a while longer and see how things go? It is the same case. We are all just going to reach the state of death at the end anyway. Why not just stay here and see how things go? Ha.. It is one of my rare attempts in doing an analogy.

On a separate note, we are as real as we can get in our daily interactions with one another. Or rather, we try to be so. However, there is just 'one inch' of you that you never really share with others. You do not really go around telling people about the issues, the thoughts or the feelings that are encompassed within this inch.

They can consist of anything actually. Your view on life, death, love, the world, people around you, what pisses you off, how much you love somebody etc. And it really depends on who you are, what you are and how you are at any point in time. For example, maybe you are in such an 'emo' state that you just let everything out or maybe you really want to share this precious inch with somebody you want to or know you can trust.

The thing is even without sharing these, you are still the real you. Maybe the incomplete you but essentially you are still as real as you can get. It is not about hypocrisy, just that maybe you are afraid of being vulnerable in front of others or for whatever reasons. It is that one inch of you that you hold true in some sense (although these may change). Me.. I will share I guess if the opportunity comes, which it rarely does. I don't really care how others view me, just the views of who is important. Sigh.. Which may be a reason why I am forever tensed up in front of gals I like.

Finally, here's a duet by Leann Rimes and Bon Jovi - Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore. I thought it to be rather nice. I posted 2 links below one is the full life version while the other has a short clip on Bon Jovi talking about the song. Something I like about Bon Jovi's ballads (after the album Crush) is that they have a strong element of being about 'you', the lover. The lyric are simple in that they are not trying too hard to say how love is so great and they are about 'you' in many sense. I think they make love so simple and nice. oh well.. Here are the links and the lyrics.

1) Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore (Live)
2) Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore (Interview)
3) Lyrics

It might be hard to be lovers
But its harder to be friends
Baby pull down the covers
Its time you let me in
Maybe light a couple candles
Ill just go ahead and lock the door
If you just talk to me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore

Lay your head on my pillow
I sit beside you on the bed
Dont you think its time we say
Some things we havent said
It aint too late to get back to that place
Back to where, we thought it was before
Why dont you look at me
Til we aint strangers anymore

Sometimes its hard to love me
Sometimes its hard to love you too
I know its hard believing
That love can pull us through
It would be so easy
To live your life

With one foot out the door
Just hold me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore

[Solo]

Its hard to find forgivness
When we just run out of lies
Its hard to say youre sorry
When you cant tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So lets get down to it baby
There aint no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore

We're not strangers anymore
We're not strangers
We're not strangers anymore

singapore teacher removes coming out blog under ministry pressure

2007-09-13T21:17:00.000+08:00

Ok. I do not usually ride on to the "current hot topic" and discuss about it on my blog but I found this a rather 'inspiring' (as used by the person who informed me about it) article. Just a brief low down, this article, "singapore teacher removes coming out blog under ministry pressure" described MOE's reaction regarding Otto Fong's blog entry on himself being a gay. Basically, MOE requested that he take down the blog entry, which he did. To some extent, I feel that given the current environment we are in today, it was the only right thing that MOE should do given that they knew about the entry. It is something that they ought to do given their position and the direction they are coming from. And given the fact that they did not fire Mr. Fong, it is pretty obvious that they are being as neutral as they possibly can. (Although it could be argued that they are in a fix cuz if they were to fire Mr. Otto, the issue will be even more blown up) However, that is not the issue I am concerned with here. (go to page 2 of the linked article)

Personally, I found that this blog entry is inspiring in that it is as much about asking people to accept and be brave about their differences as it is about his journey towards opening up about his sexuality. It is not just about secretly continuing your 'very different' characters, way of thinking or habits but more of showing to the world who you are. It is having the guts to stand up and shout, "I am different!" At this point, I tend to oppose a little as to Mr. Fong's last para about hoping his friends would remember who he is and accept him. I feel that after declaring that you are different, it is a test of true commitment, friendship and whatever related. It is actually to see who value you enough to overstep their personal limits (of acceptance) and accept you for who you are. It would of course be great if they all do but if they don't, it is only sad that one has wasted their time getting to know people who do not value them. Otherwise, there is essentially nothing to be sad about.

Lastly, there is this thing about the homosexual agenda is to make the whole world homosexual. I have only one explanation for that. They, who said that, are the people who may have felt feelings for people of the same sex but did not have the courage to be different.

New Old Skin

2007-09-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

Ok. I have re-used this ancient skin because my previous skin was rather screwed up (partly due to my manipulation of it) and also because I tried to search for a new skin with whatever time I had and I couldn't find one that I like. Or rather like as much as I like this skin.

On a separate note, Negotiating Moral Issues has been fun for this 2 weeks because (no surprises here) we talked about Suicide and Euthanasia. Not that I am a big fan of committing suicide la~ If anything, these are the topics that bring the theme of death closer to us as compared to other biomedical issues. There was no definite conclusion drawn by the prof but the arguments he presented were against suicide. However, I would like to point out an argument for euthanasia - we have a right to live and therefore we have a right to choose when we die. Try thinking of it in terms of suicide.

[breaks for Grey's Anatomy.... We have 2 hrs special tonight!! Yes!!]

Next, I think there are certain boundaries in life which you never know if you should cross. Of course, these boundaries may already have been set by ourselves. From one point of view, these are just stupid boundaries set by ourselves. From another, do we really have the guts to suffer the consequences if we overstep them?

Finally, i caught 15 mins of a chinese talkshow sponsored by some slimming company in SG. It was on Ch 8/U. I found it irritating how they apparently went through discussions about life, history and stuff, and later they bring across their message that slim girls are pretty. Suckers!

What's To A Song?

2007-09-10T11:29:00.000+08:00

The beauty of a piece of song is how it tries to connect to your soul. I said try because a song can be at times meaningful and at others meaningless to one. For example, a love song about the feelings of one being rejected will only be meaningful to you if you are going through a rejection at that point in time as you are listening to it. Similarly, the case for a song about being with a soul-mate for years or even anger felt about the world.

At the same time, what is meaningful to one is not the case to another or even what one views a single song to be is different from how another views the same song.

Also, there is no single song that can describe your emotions accurately at a time. Maybe partially but not fully accurate.

What am I talking about or heading towards, I have no idea.....

The Saddest Music in the World

2007-09-07T23:01:00.000+08:00

Caught this film in USP today. It was my first time there at the film session. In any case, The Saddest Song in the World is a very nice film. It is a comedy about sadness, which is an irony by itself. I found it to be nice in the sense that what were supposedly sad in the film were also not that sad, without feelings at all or even happy. No doubt there is a simple point being made by the director that one man's sadness cannot be understood or experience by another (as the chairman of the session put it), I find that the plot is what holds the film and the style of filming is to complement the plot. The sharp contrast between the music played by the leads and the music played by fellows from other countries was an example of how one man's sadness can only be felt because of his experience (this sentence is weirdly expressed). This was further enhanced when the same song was sang by another in a merrily tone and a simple item of glass legs could be a symbol of happiness at one point in the film and sadness in another.

Right Side of Wrong - Bon Jovi

2007-09-05T21:57:00.000+08:00

I found this song from Bon Jovi's Bounce really beautiful the first time I heard it and I still do. I find it to be a song that encompasses so much. Like love, friendship, responsibility, justice.... Just some sharing... Wanted to have the live video from youtube but it was kind of sucky...

Lyrics

A friend of a friend needs a favor
No questions asked, theres not much more to say

Me and the wife, we need the money
Weve got four kids all hungry, one on the way
Slip these sweat socks in your shirt and pray they think your packin
Be sure to keep your head down, dont look em in the eye
And dont get fancy, ricky, we aint jimmy cagney
Look at me, lets do the job and lets get home tonight

[chorus:]
I got a half tank of gas and if we run all the lights
Well slip across the border on the wrong side of right
And just like butch and sundance well ride until the dawn
Sipping whiskey, singing cowboy songs
On the right side of wrong

We picked a helluva of a night, from the shore I see the skyline
In a couple of hours from now rick, were gonna get out of this life
Well stop for smokes, I brought a six pack, well stop at lookers on the way back
Hell, well laugh this off, keep your fingers crossed that all goes well tonight

[chorus:]
I got a half tank of gas and if we run all the lights
Well slip across the border on the wrong side of right
And just like butch and sundance well ride until the dawn
Sipping whiskey, singing cowboy songs
On the right side of wrong

Well make the grade, theyll know our names, I need a friend to drive here
Wear my necklace of st. christopher and talk to him while I go inside
Ill take that suitcase, get the cash and well be gone before you know
Wait until we tell the girls were moving down to the gulf of mexico...

[guitar solo]

A friend of a friend needed a favor
Life was just what happened while we were busy making plans
We never saw nothing, there was a run-in
.9 millimeter steel was coming for the windshield of that oldsmobile
As the cop said, show your hands!

[chorus:]
I got a half tank of gas and if we run all the lights
Well slip across the border on the wrong side of right
And just like butch and sundance well ride until the dawn
Sipping whiskey, singing cowboy songs
On the right side of wrong

Pissed

2007-09-02T02:26:00.000+08:00

"In a mist of all the noises and happy-chaos happening around, I felt a need t0 stop and appreciate the scene, the sight, the atmosphere, the beauty and of course, the noise. Maybe it was after a chaotic (truly) day - my mom scolded me first thing in the morning, had to go over to Hollandse Club for preparation of D&D in 1/2 a bad mood, having an evening with a number of screw-ups here and there, and not having opportunities to speak to ...

I digressed. The point is that I tried to 'create' a small little area of tranquility in the function room. Just find somebody with the same boring mind as I have to simply stand and adsorb everything that was going on. It is something like sipping a cup of coffee on the sidewalks, just to watch the day past and the people go."

This was the entry that I tried to write after D&D last night. I got home at 2 and wanted to write it all out but tiredness gave in. And I spent the whole of today catching up with my studies. I'm almost on track. I could try to continue now but I'm in too foul a mood to write something like that.

My mom is in a scolding-kenneth mood over this weekend. The thing is I know why she is scolding me and I have tried to calm her down by reassuring her. The damn reason is that I have been out and around a lot and I obviously have not been studying. I know myself and I have already taken into account 3 weeks of behind the tracks when I took on D&D. I know I have to catch up the moment D&D is over and I am doing it. It is very irritating that she doesn't trust me and that she keeps going on and on despite my assurance. Bloody hell. To top it off, this is not what she usually does when she sense that I am slacking. She used to simply talk to me but she is scolding me now. That's what irritating. It is not about the scolding, nor about her being anal about what I do but where the problem lies, she doesn't trust me to decide and study. Not only that she can't trust me to enough to sit down and talk sense to me.

Have I not done enough to gain that bit of trust?

Hairspray

2007-08-30T23:51:00.000+08:00

Hairspray has a theme of challenging common stereotypes. It is essentially about stepping out of a fixed and constricted mindset, exemplified when Tracy stepped into the showbiz world with her innocence and when Edna stepped out of her house after 20 over years. These addressed a less popular issue of the slim and beautiful being privileged over the others. However, what caught my attention during the show was how openly racist it was from the start. It was to the level of not being comfortable. This was (as expected) nicely woven in when Tracy skipped lessons and got caught, leading her to meet the other races in the detention class (another racism). And again leading to how protests were raised for integration of the races.

However, none is as disturbing as John Travolta acting as Edna. To a large extent, it kind of destroyed the romantic part about the parents but I think there must be some reasons why Travolta is there. I feel that it is in a way another method of challenging our mindsets. Afterall, this is one of the issues not very challenged as yet.

Sounds?

2007-08-23T14:04:00.000+08:00

We never pay attention to our surroundings. Maybe we do because we have to see, look and observe to navigate our way around. But that is not paying attention, at very least we don't bother to listen to them. Even as we try our best to pay attention, there is always this tiny little voice in our head which creeps and blocks out all the other sounds. It is the child when you are day-dreaming during a lecture, the planner when you stop to think of your future, the navigator to tell you how to get to where you want to go, the critic when you are shopping or the parent when you are in need of advice.

I never knew that it was so difficult to listen in on our surroundings until I caught Singapore Gaga and came across the part on 4"33. It was a brief explanation of the act and I vaguely remember (I was trying to multi-task as I watched the show) a description of how we never really do listen in on our surroundings and how the sounds changes. With this thought in mind and my plain forgetfulness in not bringing my mp3 player out, I tried on one morning to listen. It took some effort to block out that tiny little voice in the mind and even more effort to keep it out. I guess it is just talking all the time, only that its voice gets blocked out by the mp3 players or things that are naturally interesting to us.

After having blocked it out, I heard the pattering of the rain drops on the ground, the roaring of the car engines, the rolling of car tires on wet road.. Maybe it was the rain, I didn't hear the birds. I didn't hear the people either. It is like we are all cold and alone, boarding the bus to our destinations. Isn't it scary to not know anybody around your house any more? I don't because I came to this new estate some 6 -7 years ago and neighbours I grew up with moved somewhere else. It is as though there is no familiarity around your house anymore. the familiar grounds are at the destinations and in your own home. (I have no idea where I am getting at.. Ha.. Just Typing whatever that comes to the mind)

What is Science?

2007-08-20T21:47:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not? I have to hand in a 600 words essay on this topic by Tuesday (tmr). It is only the 2nd week of school!! Argh!! Wat the hell...

Ok.. I have been very bitchy lately. Come to think about it, I am beginning to feel bad for it. Sigh.. Need to stop. I am not so high and mighty. Who am I to ostracize them?

I guess there are times when certain people get into a whinny mood and you just don't think, "How can this person work like this? Do this then make so much noise?" Why? Because they are just that important to you or mean that much to you. You don't look at them as 'this person'. You decide that you should share their burden no matter how irritated you may be with him or her if he/she were just anybody. It is not about duties but about sharing or maybe just wanting to be a part of him/her life.

Back!

2007-08-09T22:19:00.001+08:00

I'm back! Ha... Freshmen Orientation Week (FOW) will be over tomorrow! Flag Day is officially over! (I'm the flag hd for USC btw...)

Some things over the past weeks:

- I think I am getting a little more sexist by the days.. Just a little la~
- Bubble-tea is my HAPPY drink. I was in a pretty bad mood for the whole of yesterday until the one bubble-tea cheered me up. I think it is the point of going there to buy yourself, seeing the bubble-tea being sealed that counts into the happiness content.
- I really wonder if seniors or OGLs ever dislike or hate some of their freshies. I suppose they do cuz I do.
- FOW is no longer my last project in USC... Sigh.. There's still D&D.
- The degeneration of games played: dota --> gunbound --> pokemon! Basically, I quitted dota cuz it was too addicting and then went on to gunbound. And now I am playing pokemon.
- Driving the car for more than 4 hrs a day can be very tiring. And Toyota Altis has a very efficient engine.
- Never ever say, 'Let's walk to Macs at West Coast for supper' at 4 am in the morning when you have spent the whole day running around in NUS and have not slept yet. (I stupidly suggested it and my friends stupidly agreed to it.)
- There are guys who really cannot read maps. He said, 'Go straight.' But there was only turn left and turn right...
- There are actually many things in life that you can 'hiong' past, so long as u have the guts to ask.
- There are actually very nice people around who contribute alot to flag.

Good and Evil Has The Same Face

2007-07-29T00:40:00.000+08:00

The following is from "The Devil and Miss Prym" - Paulo Coelho, and is a popular myth about the painting. I guess the point is that we all are capable of good and bad. The question now is what is stopping us from the evil that we can do? (I'm still reading the book la) Just sharing...

"When Leonardo Da Vinci was creating The Last Supper, he encountered a serious problem: he had to depict Good - in the person of Jesus - and Evil - in the figure of Judas, the friend who resolves to betray him during the meal. He stopped work on the painting until he could find his ideal models.

'One day, when he was listening to a choir, he saw in one of the boys the perfect image of Christ. He invited him to his studio and made sketches and studies of his face.

'Three years went by. The last supper was almost complete, but Leonardo had still not found the perfect model for Judas. The Cardinal responsible for the church started to put pressure on him to finish the mural.

'After many days spent vainly searching, the artist came across a prematurely aged youth, in rags and lying drunk in the gutter. With some difficulty, he persuaded his assistants to bring the fellow directly to the church, since there was no time left to make preliminary sketches.

'The beggar was taken there, not quite understanding what was going on. He was propped up by Leonardo's assistants, while Leonardo copied the lines of impiety and egotism so clearly etched on his features.

'When he finished, the beggar, who had sobered up slightly, opened his eyes and saw the picture before him. With a mixture of horror and sadness he said:

"I've seen that picture before!"

"When?" asked an astonished Leonardo.

"Three years ago, before I lost everything I had, at a time when I used to sing in a choir and my life was full of dreams. The artist asked me to pose as the model for the face of Jesus"'.

Arkham Asylum - A Serious House on A Serious Earth

2007-07-27T22:28:00.000+08:00

"He creates himself everyday. He sees himself as the lord of misrule and the world as a theatre of the absurd" - Arkham Asylum

That was a description of Joker in the book. For those of you who don't know where the hell Arkham Asylum is, it is actually a fictional psychiatric hospital in DC Universe (universe where Superman & Batman exists). It is located near Gotham City, so it is rather closely related to Batman's stories. In any case, I never quite liked Batman since young. I guess the cartoon pretty much sucked. The movies were nice when you are young I guess. After reading Arkham Asylum (focus is on Batman entering the asylum), I found that the movies have not done any justice to the comics. The darkness of Gotham were taken over of green lights from riddles n stuff. I don't know about the latest film that was out like yrs ago.

In any case, I found the quote about a madman (Joker) rather interesting. Looking it from another perspective, don't you just want to be this person? To exhibit the charisma and confidence to be a new him everyday, not fearing any dislikes and daring to break all the laws and bonds. I guess I could become a criminal one day just to break free of all the constraints.

On a separate note, I guess the one month away from everything was great. I guess I never really got over the issue beginning of last sem. My semester suffered. There were moments of desperations. (Not exactly the right word but watever) I THINK it is over now I hope.

God is Dead

2007-07-20T19:54:00.000+08:00

At 3 am in the morning, they were talking about religion. I suspect that it is a common topic amongst USP freshmen as I complained about it to a friend and he said that he did the same thing a year ago. Ha~

I guess a year ago I would have welcomed such a conversation as I was making an attempt (small but still an attempt) to find a religion. I guess the result of my search was an answer rather than a religion. I believe in the existence of a god but essentially it doesn't matter whether this being or these beings exist at all. I do not need verification for it either. Agnosticism? Further to this, I also feel that all religions are essentially true to as close as they can get to the truth. This explains my inability to commit to a religion. I still pray in temples but only for the peace of mind that years of superstitions have got me.

Here is an article in Times magazine. I have not completed it.. "Is God Dead?"

Btw, I caught sight of a rescue mission at Clementi MRT station earlier. Somebody went under the train. I guess it is natural to stay and see how the person is doing or how the mission turns out. However, it is kind of weird to see people whipping out their cameras/handphones to take photos of it.

Narrow-minded

2007-07-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

I always remember this story I heard some time ago. A group of Singaporean went to this particular country (shall not name her here). The group of them have heard from the previous batches that there are many prostitutes there. As a result, they went there with the idea that all (if not, most) of the women there are prostitutes and to the extent of offering them money to sleep with them. It almost resulted in the men of the country, killing the group of Singaporeans.

We are but narrow-minded fools.

Problem?

2007-07-12T20:39:00.000+08:00

I think I have a problem. Ha... Weird huh.. To hear such a thing being said or should I say, typed. I don't exactly know how I should put it. I feel that I am standing in the middle of a see-saw or a balancing scale. A balancing scale between who I was before and who I am now. People who knows me before Uni will probably see a difference. I think this isn't the right line but I think I used to care or bother more in the past. Wait.. Maybe the line, 'A balancing scale between who I was before and who I am now.' is a little wrong too. It wasn't just suddenly that I become who I am now. I cared lesser and lesser over the years. Then again, maybe 'care' or 'bother' are the wrong words too. I still care but I have became less connected? Or have I became less willing to get connected? I have no idea how to go on from here anymore.. Oh well...

On a separate note, the most attitude line of the month, "Ya la... Good for you lo."

Trust?

2007-07-07T23:21:00.000+08:00

Blogs are at times fake. They are like written stories. The writer can choose whatever he or she wants to write and what to omit. The reader's impression of the writer is therefore whatever the writer wants he/she to read. I can simply put on a strong front when I am in fact crying within. I can easily crack a joke when my world is actually collapsing. I can even be weep when I am laughing. Thus what can u believe as u read my blog? I have no idea too. ha...

More photos

2007-07-06T23:10:00.001+08:00

Back in Singapore

2007-07-03T03:04:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Singapore! Ha... Truth be told, despite all the constant complaints by my friends about missing singapore cuisine, I do not exactly long to eat them to the extent that I would go out just to eat them when I'm back. As for my home, I guess I find comfort in it the most and from my family but 1 mth isn't exactly that long a time for me to miss my home deep deep. ha..

On a separate note, the most racist line I have heard thus far was, 'Ten of them is only 1 of us.' I guess we are all a little racist but THAT is just too much. Especially when the same amount of conviction was placed when the teller was questioned for the line. Talking bad about people in their faces too but in our language. We are not exactly the best people around.

Photos from Paris will be left for later.

Fete de la Musique in Grenoble, Night View from Bastile

2007-06-23T01:51:00.000+08:00

Ranting

2007-06-20T01:39:00.000+08:00

We usually bad-mouth them but have we ever thought about what they have to go through to get to Singapore to study? With all the money their parents have to pay for them to get here, they don't really have that much of a choice but to study hard. Then have we ever thought that our counter-parts who are studying overseas, are actually like them? So how different can we be? How high and mighty can we be that we can condemn them for everything? We cannot be prejudiced towards them just because of a few who totally suck.

On a separate note, love is over-rated. It is a feeling that rushes over you when you meet somebody you are interested in and may possibly like. You may think about him/her all the time but do you actually need him/her to live? No.

In addition, all those crap of 'loving somebody is for him/her to be happy' is simply an act of making yourself feel noble.

Bitching

2007-06-17T07:17:00.000+08:00

I have to bitch. I do not enjoy clubbing and there isn't a last bus to my place (I have to walk all the way from a tram station to my place, which is about 15 mins walk). However, just for a group activity, I agreed to go. Of course, the 'organiser' did make some noise before i agreed. The irritating part comes in when the 'organiser' came late and made a din about how 'dangerous' it is for him to walk home alone if he misses his last bus at 1130. the time was already 1030. To speak the truth,I almost have enough of his whining every time we walk and view the sceneries around. I'm pissed that we missed a few sights because of his constant whining. bloody hell. Ha. this is just a bitching session to release some fume.

By the way, is that Scarlett Johansson in Justin Timberlake's video - What goes around? OMG!!! Pls don't sleep with him!!!