Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Hello Stranger...
We have met before, haven't we?
Now I remember! We used to go for walks together, spend time together, share thoughts and ideas, and do stuff together. You were there for almost everything.
Sigh.. I guess somewhere along the line we went our separate paths. Come to think about it, I remember looking back at the shadow of yours that was cast on the ground.
It has been so long since we spent time together. I feel like I do not know you anymore.
Ha~ I guess there are still some things that never change huh~
Ok. I have to leave now. It is nice to see and talk to you again, to see how we have changed and how much of us actually remain the same over the last few months.
Anyway, goodbye for now, Kenneth....
The Origin. 11/04/2009 09:09:00 PM
Friday, October 23, 2009
I have always taken 1 step at a time. Goal setting has never been the thing for me because I have never really liked what I have been doing for the past 20 over years - study. How can somebody like sth that sucks your life? Similarly, I never understood how people can attach their ego and their life to their work. Yet, it is at this point in time when it is crucial to find a job and get on to the next phase in life that I wonder what is it exactly that I wanna see myself be 30 years from now.
The Origin. 10/23/2009 11:55:00 PM
Friday, October 09, 2009
Hello world!
Guess what? My world just imploded tonight! Ok. I am exaggerating. It is still here but well I am actually feeling like a piece of shit on this night. I don't know where to start.
Should I start with the fact that before tonight, I have already been scolded by 2 people? Sometimes, it doesn't matter whether the person is important or unimportant in my life. What counted was that I was scolded twice in 24 hours. There is only so much scolding that I can take in a day.
Or should I start with the fact that I have a member in my group who went on disappearing acts and when he did finally appear, he had not done anything for the project? In addition, I also have a leader who got so pissed off for being deceived by the member that he sat there pulling a long face throughout the whole meeting. But both are not the issues here. The point is that I just want to be happy and comfortable. I do not want to be anything that even resembles a leader.
How bout starting with the fact that just minutes after I shared with a friend something which I wish to remain a secret, she leaked it out to another friend? Well. There wasn't really any problem with that other friend knowing. If the time were right, I would have told him myself anyway. I just didn't want to share because I am still uncertain and I wanted to tell him myself when the time is right. The act of telling was irritating but I let it past without a word because it was nothing compared to the friendship we have.
What about the fact that my group and I have been working on a project since 3 days ago? I have been the first to be there in the comp room working on the project and last to leave. I am not complaining about my group members. They are great in fact. I am more irritated by the fact that we have been working long hours and during the last lap this evening, I was rushing around everywhere. From the project to 1 appointment to discuss about my CV back to the project again to getting changed for a career talk in business and finally back to doing my cv. I was in such a hurry all around that I didn't have time to grab a quick bite for dinner.
Oh! Not to mention my not-progressing-very-well ISM and FYP, and my MIA TA.
On top of all these shit, I have been confused about stuff. I guess while all these were happening, I was also in a confused but dreamy mood, which kind of explained how I could maintain a certain level of happiness despite everything. The ability to shut out the unhappy stuff just set in.
Yet, reality came knocking with a simple line from a friend. I really hated it because it was like forcing me to make a choice when I am not ready and when the paths were still unclear. The truth is that I understand perfectly where you are coming from. The idealist in me thought that you were perfectly right. Yet, the cynic in me felt that try as I may, I could only be a "spare" friend. Spare in so many sense that I do not even know if there is an end to the list.
So who am I really or even who are you really such that you can use that line on me? The point I am trying to make is that just yesterday, you were doing exactly what you have just scolded me for doing. well.. I have tried to balance so much and I have tried to maintain so many that if I were to try further, I would be so disappointed that I do not want to go on. I do not want to be there again.
I am losing faith in it on a daily basis. Just let me stop here so that I have some more faith in it left.
The Origin. 10/09/2009 11:24:00 PM
Monday, October 05, 2009
I have to be in the right lane because I am going to make a right turn at the next traffic junction. Right lanes being right lanes are full of cars rushing to everywhere else. As a result, I drive faster. I hate it. That is not me. I don't like being pushed but as a result of what I want, I have to endure being pushed. Well.. Not to be too bleak. Something good actually came out of being pushed - I am more used to driving at a slightly higher speed.
The Origin. 10/05/2009 10:13:00 PM
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
With a wound that big, you might as well just laugh about it.
The stages of recovery from falling are like this.
Right after the fall. The first word was either fuck or shit. Well you get the point.
Then the instinct to get up kicked in. The first movement was to get back on my feet.
The next was to look at the how. What caused it.
After which, it was to get away from it all. Leave the scene of crime and try to clear the evidence as though he has been charged for clumsiness.
Yet, with a wound tt big, it was impossible to get rid of all evidence. Finally the acceptance and all.
I hate falling. Nobody likes it, I guess. I think it is now a big step to eventually laugh abt it. I think I didn't use to be able to do so. I used to beat myself up abt stuff like this. This is a change.
The Origin. 9/29/2009 10:28:00 PM
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I am back to using this age-old blog skin. I believe it accompanied me for quite a fair bit when I first started out blogging. Come to think about it. I believe it was xin ru who helped me out with blogging. It sure has been a long time since I started this track. As I looked back at the first few entries which I typed, I couldn't help but laugh at how they were typed. They just sounded so JC. I guess that is the point - to look back in time every now and then.
In any case, I believe that I did take into account the words on the blog design when I chose it for the first time. However, right now, it is just convenient considering the one I was using had some image problems. I still like the background design though.
We spend life chasing. The very basic idea is to chase one thing after another. Everybody is chasing after something, be it the act itself is something to hold on to or the object of interest. I chose the word chasing precisely because it reflects the objects of interest very well. The objects are forever changing. Whoever said that we should set out goals and work towards them is so wrong. Our goals change with time. One may see it from the perspective of stages in life where we go for different goals in different stages or one may see that, the goal we have today may be obsolete by tomorrow. The simplest example is that of obtaining a degree. The new in thing is to have 2 degrees. Or to have a powerful cv with your degree. Dream jobs are different with each passing day too. Teachers are no longer just teachers. Do I have to say more?
Having live the life of a simpleton on SEP, this life is now a little hard to accept. But this is life and well.. one just have to deal with it. I am not having some bleak view about life, I am still seeing the small beautiful things in life and I think life by itself is largely beautiful.
In any case, I am looking for a change now...
The Origin. 9/23/2009 11:43:00 PM
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I walked a fair bit today. I walked to Lot One to meet yt for dinner and after which, walked all the way back. I remember the last time I took a long walk in Singapore was about 10 months ago. Well.. The walk today is nothing compared to the ones I took before. I remember walking from orchard to People's park.
The return trip was the more enjoyable one. I was not rushing to anywhere in particular. It started drizzling and I had oldies playing from my mp3 player. There was a sense of nostalgia that came with the interplay of oldies and orange light from the street-lamps.
Music, rain and light from street-lamps are like the components of a beautiful moment for me. Somehow, when they come together, they make me feel erm... at peace? or that the world is beautiful?. Of course, all these being said, I wouldn't enjoy them if I were to get drenched in the rain. Haha.. I am such a spoilt Singaporean.
I also remembered how whenever I came across such a feeling, be it in such a situation or others, I would have wished that there was somebody I could share the moment with. It was the emotional longing for a company. Today, it was different. I only remembered the longing as sth of the past. I did not feel the longing.
As I typed this entry, I also remembered that back when my passion for blogging was greater, I would insist on using less of the 'I'. I hated the word because it gave a sense of being so full of oneself. Today the word appeared just so many times.
The Origin. 9/19/2009 11:45:00 PM
I learnt something from a film full of vulgarities, random bashing and with the last 15 mins looking like some RPG where the hero had to fight multiple bosses - one of whom was known as The Poet.
I took away one great lesson from the film - the tragedy of a simple person. Basically, a simple person is a lie. He only wants to be simple because he had took so much risk, gave so much and somehow everything or all his hope were let down. He got so disappointed in taking chances or making the human connection anymore that he just wants to start afresh as a simple guy with nothing to commit to whatsoever. Thus the simple guy is just a timid guy who is afraid of taking chances anymore. However, every once in a while, he would try to establish or go back to the path or go onto a similar path as before. As much as he was afraid of complications in his life, he was also attracted to them.
I shall now aim to be normal instead of simple!
The Origin. 9/19/2009 12:18:00 AM
