Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Fairy tales were the warm welcomes that received us into the lives we are in. Then reality started knocking on the doors of our lives some time later. Slowly, it enters into our lives. Kicking out one fairytale at a time with every step it takes. Don't you think that life is all about lies? Lies to keep us living on. Always telling us that there is something to look forward to. But is there really that something? That something could be a simple fairytale, a faith, some kind of reward or whatever you have in mind... It is what fuels you to live. I am not talking about work or stuff. Just simply living. Then as you reach the end of your life, you found out that the very thing you live for is just a childish dream. Or maybe by that time, u have already forgotten about the something you once wanted. Because reality came in.
I don't know what is the something I live for anymore. It has been blurred some time ago. At times, I wonder if I am still living or am I now a machine which keeps on thinking that it has life, a social circle, feelings and therefore is human. I was scolding somebody just now but I didn't feel anything as I scolded. I realized that words of anger could be used even when the anger wasn't there. Am I real? I know I am because I am feeling something for some time. Something that makes me feel a bit loser-ish at the same time. sucks...
The Origin. 10/24/2007 10:02:00 pm
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I guess it is always calm before the storm. or whatever that phrase actually is. There were signs of a bad week ahead since this morning and it has just started. Actually, I kind of knew that it would be coming. I guess within this family, it is just a cycle kind of thing. I tried to delay it by holding back a little. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I did it. Each time it happened, I was a little scared and each time it cooled off, I grew a little bit more mature? I dunno. It is more of a whatever happens, life still goes on kind of thing. I am not scared about the issue. Afterall, having been through so many cycles of it, I guess I just grew to be attuned to it. Or maybe the very minimal amount of independence I have is enough to see me through it. I don't know. Or maybe I am just a self-centred bastard who can't really be involved in it. Or maybe I am just in a fix cuz I just can't decide what to do right. Both ways are against what I have been taught. A simple self-rescuing mechanism is simply to sit back and let nature take its course. Which is a pretty screwed up approach by itself. To some extent, having been through so many cycles, I wonder if I would be some what affected by this and that in future, the same bloody thing will happen to my family. Or will the time come when I face such a situation and decide that it is ok? It is scary when I think about it. I mean haven't we all once believed in something only to have the belief thrown out of the window when the time of judgment comes? There is just this confidence in myself that it would not happen but then there is this sync with reality that leaves me questioning. And statistics around are not exactly helpful.
The Origin. 10/16/2007 09:33:00 pm
Sunday, October 14, 2007
In our individual quests to be different from the others, we become essentially the same. We follow the latest fashion, or maybe decide to stick to one style, speak in a particular tone and everything to differentiate ourselves from the others. But in doing so, we are actually becoming the same as those who wanna be different as well. I guess it is ironic in the sense that in all our efforts to be unique, we end up being the same. Yet, this is also that which pushes our progress and change.
On another note, we are all trapped in a particular discourse - you need to progress to survive. Or sth along this line. With this, our parents feared for our future and pushed us to progress academically so that we may live better in future. To prepare for our future so to speak. With this, we have been told that JC will be an easier life compared to Sec sch and Uni will be a breeze compared to JC. And so, we find ourselves mugging our lives away in Uni. So is it truly a breeze? Even having identified the discourse and possibly some lies, what are we doing? Still mugging our lives away. The reason is that we are afraid of being the 'extra' one who escapes this discourse and don't know what the future holds. The thing is u don't know what happens to those 'extra' ones. I mean you know they chose a different path but u don't know what their future holds cuz there is just so little of them to emulate or follow. Not to say that the future painted by the discourse we are in is picture-perfect or whatever, but at least we know what to expect to some extent - U get a job and slave ur life away or u can't find a job and slave ur life away too, just to find one. You will then probably settle down and stuff.
Now the question is should u have a child, would u want him/her to be in the same discourse as u or would u try to pull him out of this discourse? Would u be afraid that he/she ends up being an 'extra' one and being ill-prepared for this 'discourse-trapped world', and that he/she will blame u in the end? or vice-versa.
Then the easier way out is the one usually traveled. Thus the never-ending discourse we are in.
The Origin. 10/14/2007 12:32:00 pm
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Kenneth is going to talk in a third person manner today cuz Kenneth watch Grey's Anatomy on Wednesday and one of the patients in the show was talking in third person. Kenneth found it both irritating and funny to do so. In any case, Kenneth screwed up a presentation on Wednesday, screwed up a test on Thursday and life pretty much goes on for Kenneth la~ Kenneth should also be studying now but oh well exams just ended and Kenneth needs a bit of a downtime despite the number of assignments due next week.
Oh yah.. Kenneth has gotten a bit more blind recently. Kenneth boarded 95 instead of 96 earlier from school. Kenneth then alighted at Holland V to change to another bus to get home. Kenneth took 970 instead of 75 cuz 75 was taking like forever to get there and Kenneth got home nearly 2 hrs after he left school. WTH
On another note, Kenneth has been thinking abt it too much.
The Origin. 10/06/2007 12:28:00 am