Tuesday, January 19, 2010
It is one of those moments again.... It walked into the room, expecting and drawing every bit of attention to it... I guess over time, one just learns to block it out, deny it of the attention. Something which I think I have done with considerable success. Well.. Today, I just feel like giving it the attention that it so seeks. I'm not down. I am just pondering.
I have always thought that I do not mind living the life of a Singaporean. The life that our system, our none-too-mature culture, has dictated for us. Somehow that changed somewhere along the line. To pinpoint this to a particular cause is overestimating the effect of that singular event. It is the result of a number of separate events, happening over a great length of time, and yet coming together at the one point to give meaning or interpretation to the world around. Or as I have learnt from Human Relations, a change in schema, one about life in future.
"Away" is the word that holds meaning at all right now. It is the result of many things, thoughts, experiences, interactions and more. I wouldn't call it an end-result becaause of the plain fact that I am only at about a quarter of my whole lifespan. The thing is that today, I am somewhat tired of the repetitions over and over again. With the understanding that everybody else face the same repetitions of interactions, events and such in life. What true meaning do you or anybody hold to anybody else? With the understanding that, nothing lasts.
I guess I do sound a little jaded with that last statement but I am not complaining so. If you are looking for the guilty, you only have to look into the mirror. C'est la vie.
The opposite of being away is to be here. Yet, here is not the place that I want to be. Here is no longer the place that gives me any meaning or anchorage at all. I guess life is a journey to seek answers to questions. And to everybody, there is at least that one question that is of upmost importance. The answer to which, gives life itself meaning or purpose. I think I know the type of answer I am looking for without having a clear idea of what the question actually is.
The Origin. 1/19/2010 10:53:00 am
Thursday, January 07, 2010
I guess I have always only looked for one thing up to this point in time. For a time, I was confused. I thought that I was looking for something else and many probably think that I was looking for that too. The truth is that the one and only thing was something else altogether. Something that I do not know how to nor dare demand. Something that eluded me all these years. Yet, something that I so whole heartedly hope for to exist.
The Origin. 1/07/2010 10:20:00 pm
Friday, January 01, 2010
With the great number of notes on FB about the transition from 2009 to 2010, I can't help but be tempted to type an entry here. Seriously though, 2009 was just another year for me and 2010 is another year to come. Heck.. It is just a number. I feel like I am simply getting by each day. "Getting by" is just a nicer phrase for surviving, not living. Today, I wonder what living means. Come to think about it, I have been here, getting by for so long. I wonder if anyone of us have ever truly lived. Here I am thinking about the experience of living, which could simply just a concept thought up by somebody along the way. Probably somebody emo who felt that there should be more to life than simply breathing, drinking, eating and shitting. Oh.. And of course, working. With much sacarsm intended, what a beautiful thing that gives people purpose, $, an avenue to attach their ego and identity to, and so much more. Wonderful work!
In any case, I know I am not the first to have this thought process (this is base on experience that tells me that I am just another little human in the great big world. "Everyone is different" is a lie.) and I do believe that I am simply one of those who feel that they have been through enough to know what to expect in the years to come. Thus with this way of thinking, comes the inner desire for something more than whatever our expectations of life have to offer, an the differntiation between getting by and living. I thus wonder if this way of thinking will change for me and if it does, when it will be.
In any case, in the spirit of the new year, here are some of my thoughts for the past 365 days or more (since this is one of the few times I have actually typed such a thing. There were the good times and there were the bad times of course but this is life. I hated the times when I was down but they were just little hurdles, lessons, turning points or whatever in life, depending on their impacts. Being human or probably as a result of my upbringing, I do think that people tend to only look at what was bad as they look back at something or anything. The key is to look for the good things too.
One of the many things that life has taught me is that there is no way of saying anything has ended. Things that happened and thought to have an conclusion to, may come back to haunt or cheer you up years later.
Another lesson is that with action is more important than words. You cannot think of change and hope for it unless you take the step to initiate the change. Sometimes, "shoot first, ask questions later" is the way to go, especially when there are things to be changed but nothing is moving.
Of course, there was the lesson that while consistency is the thing that was sought after, uncertainty, change and chaoes were all that came. I do admit that little fairytales were destroyed with the chaos but that is life again. To say that fairytales are destroyed may be wrong for they are forever there. Part of us grows up but part of us wants to believe in them still. It is just which part is more dominant at any time. Fairytales, fantasies, ideals, whatsoever.
There are so many more things to mention but what is the point of listing them all when the chapter has not been closed. The chapter of a life, whether getting by or living....
The Origin. 1/01/2010 12:46:00 pm