Friday, October 23, 2009
I have always taken 1 step at a time. Goal setting has never been the thing for me because I have never really liked what I have been doing for the past 20 over years - study. How can somebody like sth that sucks your life? Similarly, I never understood how people can attach their ego and their life to their work. Yet, it is at this point in time when it is crucial to find a job and get on to the next phase in life that I wonder what is it exactly that I wanna see myself be 30 years from now.
The Origin. 10/23/2009 11:55:00 pm
Friday, October 09, 2009
Hello world!
Guess what? My world just imploded tonight! Ok. I am exaggerating. It is still here but well I am actually feeling like a piece of shit on this night. I don't know where to start.
Should I start with the fact that before tonight, I have already been scolded by 2 people? Sometimes, it doesn't matter whether the person is important or unimportant in my life. What counted was that I was scolded twice in 24 hours. There is only so much scolding that I can take in a day.
Or should I start with the fact that I have a member in my group who went on disappearing acts and when he did finally appear, he had not done anything for the project? In addition, I also have a leader who got so pissed off for being deceived by the member that he sat there pulling a long face throughout the whole meeting. But both are not the issues here. The point is that I just want to be happy and comfortable. I do not want to be anything that even resembles a leader.
How bout starting with the fact that just minutes after I shared with a friend something which I wish to remain a secret, she leaked it out to another friend? Well. There wasn't really any problem with that other friend knowing. If the time were right, I would have told him myself anyway. I just didn't want to share because I am still uncertain and I wanted to tell him myself when the time is right. The act of telling was irritating but I let it past without a word because it was nothing compared to the friendship we have.
What about the fact that my group and I have been working on a project since 3 days ago? I have been the first to be there in the comp room working on the project and last to leave. I am not complaining about my group members. They are great in fact. I am more irritated by the fact that we have been working long hours and during the last lap this evening, I was rushing around everywhere. From the project to 1 appointment to discuss about my CV back to the project again to getting changed for a career talk in business and finally back to doing my cv. I was in such a hurry all around that I didn't have time to grab a quick bite for dinner.
Oh! Not to mention my not-progressing-very-well ISM and FYP, and my MIA TA.
On top of all these shit, I have been confused about stuff. I guess while all these were happening, I was also in a confused but dreamy mood, which kind of explained how I could maintain a certain level of happiness despite everything. The ability to shut out the unhappy stuff just set in.
Yet, reality came knocking with a simple line from a friend. I really hated it because it was like forcing me to make a choice when I am not ready and when the paths were still unclear. The truth is that I understand perfectly where you are coming from. The idealist in me thought that you were perfectly right. Yet, the cynic in me felt that try as I may, I could only be a "spare" friend. Spare in so many sense that I do not even know if there is an end to the list.
So who am I really or even who are you really such that you can use that line on me? The point I am trying to make is that just yesterday, you were doing exactly what you have just scolded me for doing. well.. I have tried to balance so much and I have tried to maintain so many that if I were to try further, I would be so disappointed that I do not want to go on. I do not want to be there again.
I am losing faith in it on a daily basis. Just let me stop here so that I have some more faith in it left.
The Origin. 10/09/2009 11:24:00 pm
Monday, October 05, 2009
I have to be in the right lane because I am going to make a right turn at the next traffic junction. Right lanes being right lanes are full of cars rushing to everywhere else. As a result, I drive faster. I hate it. That is not me. I don't like being pushed but as a result of what I want, I have to endure being pushed. Well.. Not to be too bleak. Something good actually came out of being pushed - I am more used to driving at a slightly higher speed.
The Origin. 10/05/2009 10:13:00 pm