Monday, April 20, 2009
I am seeing a rainbow-ish skyline now. The sunset is giving a beautiful array of colours with its descent. Blue, green, yellow, orange and red. There are reddish clouds littered on the blue sky too. The sun went into hiding for the whole of today and gave a perfect finale during the last hours of its existence today.
I am actually pretty pissed off right now. It is such a contradiction to the world around me at this point in time. I am pissed off with all the bullshits around me. All the bullshits that have happened in my life. I am pissed off with the bullshits I have to face in Singapore. I came here for some time away from them. Yet, they are always there. Always lingering there, giving me faint reminders that I will have to face them when I get back.
The worst of all is that one of them literally came knocking on the door. To think that I spent a full week worrying about it because of everything that it is worth to me, it came back to me with a bigger load of bullshit. Yes, much as they are bullshits, they are worth a lot in my life. These are the important bullshits that you have to live with, which is the sucky part. Really. The unimportant ones doesn’t even count as bullshits for you can simply leave them somewhere behind in the passage of time.
The Origin. 4/20/2009 03:44:00 am
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Here I am sitting on a bench beside a river, watching the river flow and watching people go by. I would like to just sit here doing nothing and watch all day but I know that it isn’t possible. I am not that kind of person. Sitting here with my laptop is the closest I can get. Ha.. Too impatient? Maybe.
A pair of mothers went by with their kids, 2 old men came and sat on a bench not too far from mine and they are conversing pretty loudly (I can hear them even with my headphones blasting jap techno [This song is randomly played]). There were some joggers and a couple who skated by. As I was typing the last line, a cyclist went by and the two old men just left.
Boring shit? In a way, yes. Yet, along with this simple boring shit, is a sense of freedom and liberty from the regimes of life. Mind you, I am not just talking about the bureaucracy, the systems in place, the schedules in life (as a good example, what Singapore provides us with). The regimes include stuff like the need to make small talks with somebody else, to consider others…. It is freedom and liberty that comes with solitude too. I am enjoying it now. (another cyclist just went by and a middle age black guy is walking past me right at this moment. Another couple just skated by and the girl seemed pretty vibrant and sweet in her pink top and a bunch of pink flowers in her hand).
Years ago, I would have thought that such activities (if you even call it one) should be done with somebody else. Somebody special. Now, I am here alone and somehow, there isn’t the feeling of longing anymore. Satisfied with the simple things in life like a moment. Not a special moment or the moment but a simple moment.
A common view would be I have been hurt badly. If I were a third party, I would have drawn that conclusion too. I guess I have to thank the time we spent apart. It brought to me a sense of emotional independence that I have not attained before. And well maybe some spices of hurt did add to it but I would attribute more to my growth than to the hurt.
Voila~ I am ending here. There isn’t anybody in sight now given that it is dinner time and the temperature is dropping.
-20:02, 13 Apr 2009, Compiegne
The Origin. 4/14/2009 02:45:00 am
Monday, April 13, 2009
For a brief moment in time, I thought that they had returned. The small little desires of wanting to be with somebody, the willingness to take the chance and the capability to give. I thought that they had returned but well they haven't. They simply popped by and left, as with the brief impulses of infatuation that I have encountered before. Only now, they left a void. A void that I am so willing to fill up with many other things but them again.
While the common view is that I am not over it, I think that I am in fact over it. Now is simply the phase of disappointment that is natural after so many years of anticipation. A friend puts it this way, 'Before getting into a r/s, I always thought that it would be a nice thing.....' After getting into one, it is just that.
Or rather, I have in fact been over the disappointment phase. Now, having been through all these. It is natural to not want to be in one right?
I think these sounds weird in some sense. It is more of the awkward phrasing and stuff. The truth is that I am simply looking for an explanation for my behavior, feelings or lack of. I think that I am just looking for simplicity here.
The Origin. 4/13/2009 04:03:00 am
Friday, April 10, 2009
I found this really old and in a way funny video on youtube -
Sweetest Thing by U2.
When I first came to Compiegne, within a few weeks, we were invited to meet the mayor of this town. This sort of goes to show how small a town Compiegne is. In any case, when we were there, the mayor told us that she liked this town and once she came here, she has been here for 20 years. My first thoughts were that she probably did something wrong and got demoted to a position in this town. I didn't understand why anyone would like such a town.
Yet, 3 months down the road, I kind of like this place. Not for the reasons (as per other places) like it has nice sceneries or loads of things to do, because it has none of them. I like it for its tranquility and pace of life. It is a nice place to get away from the hectic city life or tight travelling schedule. Especially since most people here work out of Compiegne, this town is usually quiet and safe. Ha. In some sense, living here is like living the life of a retired.
The Origin. 4/10/2009 07:31:00 pm