Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Here's the thing. Most of the time, I have control over what I feel or express to some extent. Some times, I choose not to be angry over some issues. On other times, I choose to do so. It is not a trigger that gets me on a mad spree of scolding people around. But rather, it is a stop in time where I decide whether to get that emotionally affected by it that I allow things to go out of hand a little. At least, this is what I would like myself to believe in at least. After the choice has been made to just let the anger be expressed, that is where control is lost momentarily.
Then there is the one issue which I have always let it past because there is essentially nothing much I can do. And also nothing much that I want to do. Every time it occurs, I simply fill my mind with a million and one other things just to keep it out. At times, I just blank myself out because there is nothing to be done even if I bother myself with it. It is escapism to some extent. Helplessness too. Well.. It finally caught up with me this morning. I was afraid that if I let it get by me any more often, I would lose whatever values that I hold on to. I guess by being afraid, I haven't lose that much of them. Yet, with all these thinking, there is still nothing I can do about it. So what's the point? And the frightening thing is that once it got to me, it hung on to me. I just didn't feel like meeting anybody because I did not want to talk. I didn't succeed though. In any case, it is still clinging on now.
I remember once that I told a good friend that I do not like to talk about the sad things in my life. But when I told her how screwed up my life is, it made her feel better about her own life already. Still, there are the good things that make my life pleasant and I can't really go around complaining.
The Origin. 3/11/2008 09:58:00 pm